a sack of insecurities

hello :)
wow, two posts in a month! i made a good progress didn't i? *smile*

as time goes by, i start to think that my posts are getting more and more depressive each day, aren't they? i don't mean to, really. but then again, like what i have told you before (somewhere in a previous post that i forget, teehee~), i treat this blog as my dumpster of feelings. i know it's not a good thing to feel sad over small stuff, or overthink things, but writing about those things help me feel myself at ease, so it's okay right? *grin*

this time around, i feel like writing about my insecurities. like what the title says, i am a sack of insecurities, really, whether it's about my weight, my face, my hair, my awkwardness, my tomboyish attitude, everything. i am so not confident about myself.

it's not like i am not grateful of what i have. i am very grateful for everything i have had so far, because i know there are a lot of people who are more unfortunate than me in all aspects. however, i think at some point, it is possible for people to feel insecure over themselves, especially if they're surrounded with amazing people.

like what happens to me.

since i was little, i already have problems with my own self-confidence, to the limit that my parents enrolled me into a modelling school (nope, i don't have any trace of proof in me that i had enrolled in a modelling school now. i can't even walk straight in heels XD) to raise my confidence. however, i stopped halfway because, well, i know that modelling is not for me, especially when i was surrounded by skinny and pretty girls, while i was just so plumpy and ordinary. after that, i tried dancing. my parents registered me to a traditional dancing course, but, as expected, i also stopped halfway because my body is as flexible as a wooden stick. when i was in elementary school, i was selected to be in the school choir. i was so happy because oh my god i finally had some talent in me that i might not realize! but then, that little increase of confidence had to be crushed down again when my voice finally cracked as puberty came and it isn't even better than a frog's croak now.

this is the main reason why i have become someone who tries hard with my academics, because i have realized that if i don't study hard and make good scores, i am actually nothing. i don't say that i am ugly, but i have just a common, ordinary face, and all of my friends are pretty so i can't stand out (i even start to think that only my girl friends find me pretty because they're the only ones who say it to me :P). i am not obese, but my BMI has passed the 'normal' line and i am surrounded by slender or fit-bodied girls. i don't have any natural talent in music or art, and anyone i know has at least one natural talent like good voice or things like that. i am not really good in communicating with people, while my friends have many more friends out of our circle. all of my friends have experienced how it feels to be confessed by guys, or to be liked liked by them, while i don't have such experience. as expected, these things just make my low self-esteem becomes even lower.

aaaand if you think that the result of me studying hard has given me the honorable position as the cream of the crop, sorry to break the news but you're mistaken. i still have to be surrounded by geniuses who don't even need to study but they get better scores than me.

after reading this post, you probably think that i am someone who's actually pretty and smart and talented and looking for attention or compliment by saying such thing. there might be a lot of people who act like that out there, but it's not me. this is not the way i seek for attention. when i say that i am not pretty, i mean it. i mean that i am not pretty. when people say i am smart and i deny it, i sincerely deny it, unlike those people who says "ah no i am not smart", waving these compliments off, while in their heads they actually say "oh well, i know i am smart". no matter how you try to compliment me, it won't go through my head because i know there are more people out there who deserve those compliments more than me.

this might be my biggest issue right now, because i am definitely not in peace with myself. if i am not even in peace with myself, then how am i able to love myself?

i need to figure this out. soon.

see ya.