a sack of insecurities

hello :)
wow, two posts in a month! i made a good progress didn't i? *smile*

as time goes by, i start to think that my posts are getting more and more depressive each day, aren't they? i don't mean to, really. but then again, like what i have told you before (somewhere in a previous post that i forget, teehee~), i treat this blog as my dumpster of feelings. i know it's not a good thing to feel sad over small stuff, or overthink things, but writing about those things help me feel myself at ease, so it's okay right? *grin*

this time around, i feel like writing about my insecurities. like what the title says, i am a sack of insecurities, really, whether it's about my weight, my face, my hair, my awkwardness, my tomboyish attitude, everything. i am so not confident about myself.

it's not like i am not grateful of what i have. i am very grateful for everything i have had so far, because i know there are a lot of people who are more unfortunate than me in all aspects. however, i think at some point, it is possible for people to feel insecure over themselves, especially if they're surrounded with amazing people.

like what happens to me.

since i was little, i already have problems with my own self-confidence, to the limit that my parents enrolled me into a modelling school (nope, i don't have any trace of proof in me that i had enrolled in a modelling school now. i can't even walk straight in heels XD) to raise my confidence. however, i stopped halfway because, well, i know that modelling is not for me, especially when i was surrounded by skinny and pretty girls, while i was just so plumpy and ordinary. after that, i tried dancing. my parents registered me to a traditional dancing course, but, as expected, i also stopped halfway because my body is as flexible as a wooden stick. when i was in elementary school, i was selected to be in the school choir. i was so happy because oh my god i finally had some talent in me that i might not realize! but then, that little increase of confidence had to be crushed down again when my voice finally cracked as puberty came and it isn't even better than a frog's croak now.

this is the main reason why i have become someone who tries hard with my academics, because i have realized that if i don't study hard and make good scores, i am actually nothing. i don't say that i am ugly, but i have just a common, ordinary face, and all of my friends are pretty so i can't stand out (i even start to think that only my girl friends find me pretty because they're the only ones who say it to me :P). i am not obese, but my BMI has passed the 'normal' line and i am surrounded by slender or fit-bodied girls. i don't have any natural talent in music or art, and anyone i know has at least one natural talent like good voice or things like that. i am not really good in communicating with people, while my friends have many more friends out of our circle. all of my friends have experienced how it feels to be confessed by guys, or to be liked liked by them, while i don't have such experience. as expected, these things just make my low self-esteem becomes even lower.

aaaand if you think that the result of me studying hard has given me the honorable position as the cream of the crop, sorry to break the news but you're mistaken. i still have to be surrounded by geniuses who don't even need to study but they get better scores than me.

after reading this post, you probably think that i am someone who's actually pretty and smart and talented and looking for attention or compliment by saying such thing. there might be a lot of people who act like that out there, but it's not me. this is not the way i seek for attention. when i say that i am not pretty, i mean it. i mean that i am not pretty. when people say i am smart and i deny it, i sincerely deny it, unlike those people who says "ah no i am not smart", waving these compliments off, while in their heads they actually say "oh well, i know i am smart". no matter how you try to compliment me, it won't go through my head because i know there are more people out there who deserve those compliments more than me.

this might be my biggest issue right now, because i am definitely not in peace with myself. if i am not even in peace with myself, then how am i able to love myself?

i need to figure this out. soon.

see ya.

being 24 :)

yellow everyone *insert the most unenthusiastic face you can imagine here*

omg april 8th is less than 6 hours from now and, well.... to be honest, i still can't believe that i am going to be 25. if you ask me, let's say, 5 years ago, i would see my-25-year-old-self as someone who's mature, ready to get married (or maybe already married? since 25 was my age-of-marriage target hahaha), and having a steady job at hand with a good pay since it would have been at least 3 years after i graduated. however, well, looking at myself now who is going to be 25 in a few hours, i don't see myself like how i pictured myself going to be, at all *sigh* definitely not going like what i planned huh? i guess i can start by trying to be mature, at least *grin*

i didn't make any post last year about being 23 because, i know that you can guess already, the life of 23-year-old-me had been so dull that i didn't even know what to recap about it. it doesn't mean that my life has drastically become so interesting now, but i know that i have some highlights that i can write here.... i guess? *another grin*

soooo the most definite highlight was, of course, attending super junior super show 5. i didn't expect super junior to come to malaysia at first since they skipped malaysia during super show 4, and thank God my saving was enough to buy one decent-seated ticket for me and sponsor half of my sister's ticket. this was the second time for me to attend a music concert, and everything was a completely different experience from the paramore concert i attended 2 years ago, from standing for 4 hours only to get the tickets until all the tremendous feelings i got after the concert was finished. it was a dream came true for me too since i couldn't recall how many times i had been chanting "i have to watch super show... i have to watch super show..." everytime i watch their previous super shows on dvd. now i only have one more dream kpop concert that i can't miss for my dear life: the shinee world concert *grin*

another highlight of being 24 was the vacation that i had back in january with my besties (zhaf, safura, and hamidah) to jogjakarta. i know that jogjakarta is my hometown and i didn't leave that town until i was eighteen, but it was surprising to know that i actually had missed some interesting parts of my town all this time, and i had to be a tourist guide for my besties first to know about that :D i had visited some places like kraton, borobudur temple, prambanan temple, or kotagede at least once in my life. heck, i even visited malioboro countless times. however, it was the very first time for me to watch ramayana theatre play, and, i don't mean to boast about my hometown, but this play is so awesome. i thought i wouldn't be able to enjoy the play since there was minimal dialogue and the narration was in javanese (i've been a javanese-born-in-java, yes, but don't expect me to understand javanese totally. please don't forget that i am half sumatranese :D), but i enjoyed the play so much and i understood everything. i don't even mind to watch it again :) another first-time-in-my-hometown that i experienced was the kaliurang offroad tour because omg i am definitely not an offroad person and this explains why i was screaming more often than my friends in the jeep :P but i enjoyed it nonetheless! it was fun in adrenaline-pumping kind of way and it was definitely a whole new experience for me :D in conclusion, i know my hometown better because of this trip, and i love it even more now :)

next, i moved house since last october. i still stay with the same housemates though (because to be honest, i don't want to separate from these people who have completely understood me inside and out :D). eventhough the rooms are a little smaller with more expensive rent, the house is completely new (we were the honored very first tenants, yeay!), the facilities are better, and the house is much closer to the university, so it's pretty worth it. i definitely won't forget the nervewrecking feeling we instantly got when our former landlord asked us to leave his house because his son was about to stay there in three months time, and the slight anxiety we felt throughout the time when we were trying to find an available house to rent because, believe me, finding a house to rent near university is very, VERY difficult. we were really lucky to be able to find the house that we're living now, knowing that we only did a lucky guess when we passed this house and seeing that this house was empty. the moving process itself was another exhausting moment because omg, every little thing owned by four female students, including other things from previous occupants that we used, is actually not that little. the lorry needed to make two trips to move the big stuffs, and we moved the smaller things by car, which took i-didn't-even-care-to-count-how-many trips because there were a lot. i hope i can stay here as long as possible throughout my study period in upm because, really, i am not that keen on all the exhaustion i have to go through during moving houses :P

aaaaaand lastly, i can now proudly say that i no longer have feelings for the guy that i fell for the past three years hehehehe. those who managed to read some of my posts during the period of three years back might know the ups and downs that i had to go through because of this one guy. it was one hell of a journey to erase everything that i felt for this guy that i am definitely not willing to go through again. it was pretty much traumatizing to fall in love and have my heart broken with all the 'rollercoasting' and overwhelming emotions that i experienced back then. surprisingly, it doesn't take anyone else for me to forget my feelings for him, meaning that for the very first time in my life, i am not having feelings for anyone right now hahahaha (i don't even know whether this should be something that i can be proud of or not :P). well, i might have some crushes like, hmmm this guy is good looking, that guy is admirable, this guy is decent, but that's it and that's all, i don't have any feelings for them so far. however, i think i am pretty content with how my life goes right now. it might be a little bit boring because, honestly, i miss having butterflies in my stomach (yup i know, those butterflies that i dreaded so much back then hahahaha) but i guess i just need to lay back a bit and enjoy my life as much as possible, as i am pretty sure that God wants to show me how happy i can be without having to have someone to fall for. i am too tired of falling without anyone catching me anyways :P

well, i know that those highlights are maybe not that worthy enough to be called as, yeah, highlights, but at least i can say that being 24 brought me more insteresting stories than being 23 :D last but not least, i wish for health, success, wealth, and happiness for this new age, and the highlight of my wish would, still, be graduating as a master holder this year. wish me good things too, please? hehehehe, thank you in advance!

see you when i see you!