me & marriage

whoa. long time no see. (yes, whoa is the new hello, for me :P)
well well well, just a quick update before we're going to the main topic, i'm now home for 4 months. yes, 4 happy months. and im currently spending my holiday by having an internship for 3 months at a quite huge company in my hometown, so basically i can say that im pretty busy *cuih, hahaha* however, im still able to spend some time to write this blog post.
marriage. yes, i know that i have talked about this years ago, but i think that i need to talk about this again because this topic is quite bugging my mind recently. nope, not that i want to get married soon, not at all. to be honest, i am not ready at all for marriage life. yes, i know im 22, some of my friends are already married and quite a lot of them are now on the stage of 'ready-for-marriage' with their boyfies/girlfies, including one of my besties, riza (and now we're looking for some matching kebayas to be used for her wedding. ok, i know you guys are saying 'so what?' quietly in your heads). the rest of them who are having single status now are trying to find their life-partner wannabe and their parents are already asking them with the same old question, "so... where is our in-law-wannabe?"
what about me?
well, so far, my dad is the only dad who is not worried at all about his eldest daughter's marriage while almost all of my friends' dads have been bugging their children with that somehow irritating question, especially to those who haven't found their life-partner-wannabe yet. he keeps asking me to finish at least my master degree before thinking about having a boyfriend. yes, you are not misreading it, i just mentioned 'having a boyfriend', not 'getting married'. so, basically you can figure out what my dad thinks about marriage. it is actually okay for me, because, to be honest, right now, marriage scares me out. i've been knowing my dad for my whole life and i still have some fights with him sometimes. i cannot imagine living with a guy that only knows me for, lets say, a year or so. i also still have no idea on how to be a good in-law, whether it is as a daughter or a sister.
so, what is actually bugging me?
first of all, it's people around me. besides my family, of course. well, i know that as long as it's not your own family who's bugging you, you dont need to be worried about what people think. however, when the number of people keeps increasing, it's a lie if you dont start to feel uneasy. as i have told you at the beginning of this post, i am currently having my internship. those who are working in the same office with me have been asking whether im single, so i answered that i am. unexpectedly, they looked surprised when they knew that im 22 and single. they all said that girls at my age are supposed to be worried if they are not getting married soon.

it's a big fat lie if i say that im not worried. i am worried, i am. i dont want to end my twenties without having a husband next to me, but dont ask me to get married now, because im not ready at all. if you start to think that im such a carreer-oriented girl who doesnt want to get married, yes i am, i admit that. i am a kind of person who cannot stay at home and be a committed housewife. not that i underestimate women who are housewives, not at all. being a housewife is one of the toughest jobs that a woman can do, but that just doesnt suit me.

secondly, it's myself. i am afraid.
my friends are currently looking for boyfies/girlfies to be their 'one' later. they are not being in a relationship just for fun or something like that. they want committed and serious relationship. once i tried to ask myself, am i looking for the same type of relationship? surprisingly, the thought that passed my head was 'no'. this is actually related with what i wrote earlier, that i am not ready to get married. i might look kind of desperate by not having a boyfriend, but it is also actually me who is afraid to start a new relationship. i am afraid of a relationship that goes with a title of 'marriage-ready' relationship. i am afraid that i will not be able to fullfil my other half's expectation to be a, at least, good wife. basically, i am still not able to take care of myself, then how can i take care of my other half and my family later if i am married now? and WHEN AM I GONNA BE READY? that question is what is actually bugging me.
but still, it's not like i dont want to get married. i do. i want to get married when my age reaches 25, and i hope i am matured enough at that age so that im ready to be totally committed. hopefully i am already able to finish my master degree when i am 25 later so that at least i already fullfil my dad's basic requirement :P however, i dont want to have that age as a marriage target. i dont want to set any age as my target because God is fully in charge for this case, in my opinion. you can meet your soulmate in sooooo many unexpected ways. it's not like you are getting A for your exam because you have been studying hard and praying for it. you can try as hard as you can do to find your soulmate, but if that is not the right time for you to find your soulmate, no matter how hard you try, you still have to wait.
so, i guess i just need to wait and go with the flow :)
i knooooow that this post is one of my random-est post i've ever written. however, still, enjoy it and please bear with me :P

see you when i see you :)