i bet some of you do

Do you know how hard it is to forget someone?
When that person is the one who broke the walls that you've built after you're hurt
When that person is the one who could make you laugh when you're in your crankiest mood of the day
When that person is the one who could pop colours into your boring black and white life
When that person is the one who could bring the inner, happy glowing you
When that person is the one who could make you try all your might to hide your feelings
When that person is the one who could bring a little blush on your cheeks when he teased you
When that person is the one who could make you worry so much when he didn't show any hint of presence everyday
When that person is the one who could make your tears fall instantly when you realize that you feel a tinge of longing feeling
When that person is the one who helps you rediscover the  'butterfly-in-your-stomach' feeling
When that person is the one who made you believe in miracles
When that person is the one who stepped little by little to the picture of your life after you realized his presence when he was at the edge of the frame

And when that person is the one whom you want to curse for taking your heart away and giving it back in crumpled, broken pieces.

It's just painful isn't it??
And i am being such a fool to just realize it now, but not able to do anything with it

I never, ever cried this much, if it is calculated for the period of one month, before. And it is just because of a jerk who made my love unrequited.

I screw up. Big time.

m.a.c.r.o.s :D

yes, i am soooooo not a trendsetter :D

so, i've been in love with macros recently. well, i am not in a good mood nowadays (yes, it's the after-effect of my last post TT__TT), so i browsed some google images of SHINee to make myself feel better (yesss, Choi Minho IS always successful to make me feel better, every time <3)

around several days ago, i put a status on facebook, saying that macros are always successful to crack myself up, then FUFU commented on my status, saying that she loves macros too and posted some of TVXQ's macros on her blog. i suddenly thought that it's a good idea to post some on my blog too XD~

for those who don't know what macro is, well, i'll show you some SHINee and Super Junior's macros (why SHINee and SuJu??? because i love them, d'oh! =D). beware, there will be quite a loooot of pics since i'm about to post 20 pics here XD i actually have this one folder full of SHINee and SuJu macros and it was very hard for me to pick some, so I decided to pick around 20-something (this is the least number that i can go since basically ALL of them are hilarious!) funniest macros and post it here :D

and oh, i already posted some of these pics on twitter, in case some of you follow my twitter too :D

let's start with the first one :D

okay okay Siwon, we GET it :))

Omoooo~ poor Taeminnie! *really, his expression is priceless! :))*

OMG Donghaeee XD make it by yourself!

Naughty Jjong! :))

Teukie.... sorry to say this but you're such a camwhore :D

MINHOOOO~ you can't be any more cuter than thisssss *fainted*

Sung(min) Go Ku :D

Mr. Jonghyun.... toilet is just over there! =))

to be honest.... i like Kyuhyun's pervert face :))

Taemin pleaseeee~ flying hippo in a ballerina skiiirtt?? XD~

you are excused Kangin, no need to put that kind of expression :D

Jonghyun's face really looks.... speechless =))

to be honest Kibum, we don't get it too :))


i can't help LOL-ing everytime i look at this macro XD~

hahahaha, Key and Jjong looks like a girl and her guy bestfriend :D

Teukieeee~ *facepalm*

seriously, don't mess up with Key and Taemin. They are the gangstaz =))

one word: CUTIE! :D

Jonghyuuun :D don't mess up with your wife! XD

awww~ poor EunHae :D

yessss Minhoooo~ too awesome!!! *brb fainted. again. :D*

last but not least, here is my most favorite macro above all....

MOVE OVER JONAS BROTHERS!!! they are much much more awesome! XD OMG all of my biases from three different groups in the same macro! nyanyaaaaa~

sorry for my sort-of-fangirling attitude. i just can't help it :D


so... this is it

#nowplaying Jung Yong Hwa - Because I Miss You
"Always the exactly same sky and always the same day
Only thing that is different is that you are not here"

hey all,
my blog post this time will be a little personal. i don't know where to write this feeling down besides my own blog because there are too many close friends in facebook and twitter. i know this is not even a private or locked blog, but i also know very well that not a lot of people read this blog, so this is the safest place to write about my feeling right now because actually i don't want too many people to know about this.

especially him.

this guy who has taken my heart and healed me from my breakup.
this guy that i hated at the beginning but then filled my days with joy to the limit that i don't feel any hatred for him anymore.
this guy that i didn't plan to fall in love with.
this guy whom i thought is a carbon copy of me in the terms of thoughts and behaviours.
this guy who is not even handsome nor having killer body to fall for.
this guy whom people think can be as weird as hell.

and the only guy who can make me cry for the whole night just because of missing him.
"I thought I've let you go. Without anything left
No, no. I still haven't been able to let you go"

to be honest, i only cried once because of a guy, it was when i was in high school, and it is pretty much understandable since it was one of those stupid puppy love stages and my hormonal fluctuation drove me like crazy. i have had a lot of crushes since but none of them could make my tears fall even a drop.
even for some guys that i thought i fell for 'seriously' (this post might ring a bell), or even when i had my first breakup, i didn't cry a single tear. at that time, i thought i was too sad to cry. i felt that kind of heavy burden in my chest that needed to be lifted, but i didn't manage to cry any single tear. i tried sooooo many ways to cry, but i never succeeded. the thoughts that passed my mind was 'am i that heartless? or do i love him so much that i can't even cry because of too much sadness?'. but i never managed to find the answers.

and here came this guy.

i was still stuck with my ex at that time. i said to everyone that i was over him, but actually i wasn't. he still came to my dreams. i still stalked him through his facebook profile, and i was hurt when i found out that he's with someone new. but still, i couldn't find any way to lift that heavy burden in my chest. the burden kept increasing and i still haven't found any way to cry any single tear to help remove them out.

and then this guy came with his pointless talks and witty jokes. at first i felt bothered by him, but then i was thinking, ah it won't be harmful for me to have those pointless talks with him, so i just had it a go. since then, i started to find out that we're quite alike. we have the same thoughts, we have the same kind of attitude, but somehow i found some of my missing puzzle pieces in him. he's able to calm me down, he knows how to cheer me up and make my day only by asking me how i was. he gave me attention that i didn't get from my ex when we were in relationship, and he is not even my boyfriend. and that heavy burden that has been bugging me for almost a year was finally removed without me realizing it. i was enjoying my days too much to realize that the heavy burden in my chest had been replaced with happiness.
then i realized that i'm in love with him.

and like usual, i couldn't show him how i feel. i am too afraid to let him know that i love him. i am too afraid of rejections. ah, i guess i don't need to list them all down here since you guys have been very familiar with those reasons, haven't you?

we were really close, like really really close, until all of sudden we were drifted apart by an invisible thick barrier that i cannot get through, until now.
my feeling was so mixed up since then. i kept saying to myself that i am a strong girl. i could get through my first break up easily, so this one should be a clinch. i tried to make myself busy with my assignments, my exams, my final year project, everything to get him out of my mind.
but i just can't.
"Longing for you, I am longing for you. Because I am longing for you, I call you and call you by myself everyday
Missing you, I am missing you. Because I am missing you, now I just call out your name like a habit. Even today"

especially knowing that he's in love with someone else, it just teared me up little by little to accept the truth that everything we had was nothing than a good friendship, or the closest we can get is only a brother-sister relationship. i totally understand if he's leaving me for her since i'm definitely nothing compared to her. she's much prettier, smarter, nicer, basically much better than me, so i cannot blame him for leaving me just like that.

my feeling was really fluctuating since he's gone. at some moments, i was able to accept the reality that he's no longer there for me. he won't be there anymore to calm myself down or cheer me up whenever i have problems. i keep saying to myself that i have to face them all by myself and i have to be independent.

but i have to admit that i miss him so much. SO MUCH that it is even able to make me cry.

yes, i finally cried because of a guy.
i was crying hard too when i was watching Crazy Little Thing Called Love. the story of the movie is just like the story of my life, and the first thought that passed my mind and brought me to tears was - yes, it was him.
and last night was the worst. i listened to this song titled 'Because I Miss You' by Jung Yong Hwa and read the lyric translations. i suddenly felt like something was hitting my chest so hard that i started to tear up a little. i put this song to my 'broken' playlist in my itunes together with other brokenhearted songs that have been bringing me to sleep these months. stupidly, i just clicked the repeat button and here i am, having this song on repeat until now. i cried so hard last night and i only could stop when i fell asleep. i really felt that this is the time when i'm missing him the most. i just want a single, simple, no-fuss 'hi' from him, and i believe that it will make my day better. however, i'm doubting that i will be okay afterwards. what if i'm missing him even more, like what's happening now? i'm missing him like crazy now because of him dropping by to know how i'm doing several days ago, and leaving me since. it's like being in a rollercoaster. you feel the excitement once you're at the top, but then feeling an instant breakdown once you're heading down to earth.

and this is what leaves me confused right now.
"Day by day, I feel like I am dying, so what could I do?"
should i just let him go?

i feel like deleting everything about him from my life. i am not deleting every access of him to get to me, but i'm planning on deleting all of my accesses to him so that i'm not 'tempted' to find out how he is.

and i am even crying while typing this blog post. i can't imagine letting him go from my life. i know he's already out of it, but thinking of totally kicking him out of my life already brings me to tears.

but i know i have to be strong. one of my besties said that 'the one whom you cry for doesn't deserve your tears, because the one who deserves it will never make you cry'.

i don't know whether this guy deserves all these tears, but what i know is i'm tired of feeling this way. i'm tired of waiting for nothing, and i'm tired of hurting myself.

so, i guess i have to let him go.

bye love. i know you won't leave my heart any sooner, but i have to forget you. i know it will be hard for me and there will be more tears coming out starting from now on, but i know that i will be alright.

thank you for cheering me up whenever i had my breakdown.
thank you for calming down whenever i was about to burst out in anger.
thank you for fulfilling my days with laughter.
thank you for giving attention to all the craps that i gave you.
thank you for bearing with me eventhough i could be so harsh to you sometimes.... i did that because i don't want you to know how i feel for you.
thank you for being my living dopamine all this time.
thank you for making me feel special at some moments.
thank you for coming to my dreams and making me smile everytime i woke up.
thank you for being there for me when i needed you.
thank you for understanding me in everything, that even surprised me because i felt like you've known me forever.

and lastly, thank you for letting me being happy in love, once again.

that's all from me. thank you for reading this crappy post. please wish me luck for this :)

"Love you, Love you. I love you. Without even being able to tell you these, I've had to let you go like that
Sorry, I am sorry. Can you hear me? Could you be able to hear my late confession?

I love you."

me & marriage

whoa. long time no see. (yes, whoa is the new hello, for me :P)
well well well, just a quick update before we're going to the main topic, i'm now home for 4 months. yes, 4 happy months. and im currently spending my holiday by having an internship for 3 months at a quite huge company in my hometown, so basically i can say that im pretty busy *cuih, hahaha* however, im still able to spend some time to write this blog post.
marriage. yes, i know that i have talked about this years ago, but i think that i need to talk about this again because this topic is quite bugging my mind recently. nope, not that i want to get married soon, not at all. to be honest, i am not ready at all for marriage life. yes, i know im 22, some of my friends are already married and quite a lot of them are now on the stage of 'ready-for-marriage' with their boyfies/girlfies, including one of my besties, riza (and now we're looking for some matching kebayas to be used for her wedding. ok, i know you guys are saying 'so what?' quietly in your heads). the rest of them who are having single status now are trying to find their life-partner wannabe and their parents are already asking them with the same old question, "so... where is our in-law-wannabe?"
what about me?
well, so far, my dad is the only dad who is not worried at all about his eldest daughter's marriage while almost all of my friends' dads have been bugging their children with that somehow irritating question, especially to those who haven't found their life-partner-wannabe yet. he keeps asking me to finish at least my master degree before thinking about having a boyfriend. yes, you are not misreading it, i just mentioned 'having a boyfriend', not 'getting married'. so, basically you can figure out what my dad thinks about marriage. it is actually okay for me, because, to be honest, right now, marriage scares me out. i've been knowing my dad for my whole life and i still have some fights with him sometimes. i cannot imagine living with a guy that only knows me for, lets say, a year or so. i also still have no idea on how to be a good in-law, whether it is as a daughter or a sister.
so, what is actually bugging me?
first of all, it's people around me. besides my family, of course. well, i know that as long as it's not your own family who's bugging you, you dont need to be worried about what people think. however, when the number of people keeps increasing, it's a lie if you dont start to feel uneasy. as i have told you at the beginning of this post, i am currently having my internship. those who are working in the same office with me have been asking whether im single, so i answered that i am. unexpectedly, they looked surprised when they knew that im 22 and single. they all said that girls at my age are supposed to be worried if they are not getting married soon.

it's a big fat lie if i say that im not worried. i am worried, i am. i dont want to end my twenties without having a husband next to me, but dont ask me to get married now, because im not ready at all. if you start to think that im such a carreer-oriented girl who doesnt want to get married, yes i am, i admit that. i am a kind of person who cannot stay at home and be a committed housewife. not that i underestimate women who are housewives, not at all. being a housewife is one of the toughest jobs that a woman can do, but that just doesnt suit me.

secondly, it's myself. i am afraid.
my friends are currently looking for boyfies/girlfies to be their 'one' later. they are not being in a relationship just for fun or something like that. they want committed and serious relationship. once i tried to ask myself, am i looking for the same type of relationship? surprisingly, the thought that passed my head was 'no'. this is actually related with what i wrote earlier, that i am not ready to get married. i might look kind of desperate by not having a boyfriend, but it is also actually me who is afraid to start a new relationship. i am afraid of a relationship that goes with a title of 'marriage-ready' relationship. i am afraid that i will not be able to fullfil my other half's expectation to be a, at least, good wife. basically, i am still not able to take care of myself, then how can i take care of my other half and my family later if i am married now? and WHEN AM I GONNA BE READY? that question is what is actually bugging me.
but still, it's not like i dont want to get married. i do. i want to get married when my age reaches 25, and i hope i am matured enough at that age so that im ready to be totally committed. hopefully i am already able to finish my master degree when i am 25 later so that at least i already fullfil my dad's basic requirement :P however, i dont want to have that age as a marriage target. i dont want to set any age as my target because God is fully in charge for this case, in my opinion. you can meet your soulmate in sooooo many unexpected ways. it's not like you are getting A for your exam because you have been studying hard and praying for it. you can try as hard as you can do to find your soulmate, but if that is not the right time for you to find your soulmate, no matter how hard you try, you still have to wait.
so, i guess i just need to wait and go with the flow :)
i knooooow that this post is one of my random-est post i've ever written. however, still, enjoy it and please bear with me :P

see you when i see you :)

being 21 :)

hey all,
i made this blog post exactly one day before i give up my 21 and say hello to my second twin numbers after 11. yes, it's 22. as usual, i feel like doing re-capping of my 21 in this blog and... ok, here we go.
my 21 is completely different from my 20. when i was 20, i started to learn new things and experienced things that i hadn't experienced before. i changed little by little and i started to find my own personality, eventhough i still cannot say that my personality now is completely developed. during my 21, i started to live my life with my so-called new personality. i have to say that everything didn't go smoothly with this new personality. sometimes i have to look back and think, is this a person who i wanted to be? if this is, shouldn't i be happy about it? or is this just another fake personality of me? however, after asking all of these questions to myself which was fulfilled by doubt, i always found the answer of 'yes, this is the new me, and this is how i want it to be', finally. i have to admit that sometimes i miss the old, introvert me who was the lone ranger undergoing a black and white life, but now i know that adding a little spark of colour will not be harmful :)
during my 21, i lost some acquitances, but i gained more friends, good friends who sprinkled more colour to my life, and i am really grateful for that. these new friends also played important role in developing a new me. i have to admit that i felt confused sometimes. everyone has their own principles and values of life, which might be different from mine. this leads me to confusion when their own principles clashed with mine, and makes me think that "are the principles that i've been holding on all this time alright?", which is good because it actually helped me in finding who i am and who i want to be.
i also got A LOT of surprises, either bitter or sweet ones. too much surprises until now i'm reaching the level of i will not be surprised if i'm getting any more surprises, either academically or in other aspects of life. however, i think those surprises taught me how not to be a too-panicky person. those who know me are already used to my panicky behaviour, and somehow those surprises changed me bit by bit to be calmer in receiving all news whether they are good or bad. i know i am still a panicky person deep inside here, but i have to say that i'm no longer that super-panicky person that you want to slap and you know who i used to be :P
FYI, my fyp is already finished and i have submitted my thesis. i also have undergone my seminar and now i am waiting for my viva. three important things were happening during my 21 and i am happy that i got through them well. i miss my labwork though :P
i guess these words already did their job well in recapping my past one year being 21. i don't know how my 22 will be, but hopefully it will give me sweeter memories than my past years and i'm hoping that i will get greater achievements ahead with health and family still being my top priority.

see ya later alligator! :p


Aku suka

saat angin bertiup menerpa wajahku
hanyut dalam musik yang kudengarkan
film yang menggerakkan imajinasiku
menulis apa yang ada dalam pikiranku
membaca novel dan tak bergerak dari tempat tidurku
mendengarkan cerita teman-temanku
pergi ke atas bukit dan melihat lampu kota
melihat bintang yang tak tertutup awan
bau tanah selepas hujan
memeluk bantalku
menjejakkan kaki di lantai yang dingin
bernyanyi di kamar mandi
duduk berlama-lama sambil menikmati kopi
memenuhi rasa ingin tahuku
main ke pantai
mencoret-coret saat aku bosan

dan banyak lagi

tapi yang terpenting adalah
aku suka....


kamu tahu jawabnya :)

my lovlee famelee ^^

hellow yellow.

is this the first post of the year? and i'm doing it at the end of february? i'm so lucky to have some readers to keep this blog alive then, seeing how lazy i am to make blog posts :P

well, just like what the title said, i'm now going to tell you all about my family, since i have been blogging for years (i guess almost five years) but i haven't even introduce my family to you all the readers who might be curious in which kind of family i'm raised and grow up :)

this was when i was having my sixth or seventh birthday, i guess :P

here we go.

my family is truly the main support for me. i don't know what i would do and how i would be if i have to live without all of them (ok, now i start to sound like LeAnn Rimes. no idea? "how do i live"? okay, nevermind). it all started from my small family, which consists of my dad, my mom, and my little sister.

my dad and my mom are two completely different people. my mom is the one who always taught me to enjoy my life in a responsible way. she's like my bestest best friend who understands every single piece of me and she's more open minded than my dad who is more conservative in his way of thinking. she was the one who accompanied me to go to theatres when i was grounded 8 years ago, when i was in 8th grade and i was kicked out of the top 10 in my class and my dad told me not to have fun with my friends until the semester was finished and i got better grades (luckily i managed to be the first rank after that :P). my mom, with her clever ideas, asked my dad if it is okay to go to theatres with her instead of my friends. my dad, surprisingly, allowed us to do so. eventhough my mom ended up sleeping during the movie since she is not a person who likes watching movie (but i wonder why she can stand watching dramas for 3 hours, non stop, without moving herself from the coach :P), she said to me that she was happy seeing that i didn't feel miserable because finally i could watch the movie that i had been looking forward since forever (i think the movie was Rumah Ketujuh. yes, i know it was such a lame movie but Indra Lesmana managed to make me feel curious how interesting the movie would be since i fell in love with the soundtracks that he made). she is also the person who calls me at least twice in a week just to listen to my voice because she misses me, and we end up talking for at least half an hour about everything :).

my dad himself is a veeery overprotective person. you know why i haven't been able to ride on motorbike or drive a car until now? it's because of him. he doesn't trust me enough since he still thinks that i'm forever his little girl who likes to have his presence next to me before i went to sleep when i was five. he even doesn't (i say doesn't here, not didn't) allow me to be on the back of the motorbike with my friends, which made me him drive me to places where i HANG OUT with my friends when i was in high school. yes, it's true. even when i was in school camp with my junior high school friends, where is located around a forest area, i found his car with him sleeping inside of it near to forest area in the morning when we all had our morning run. and i found out that he had a so-called sleepover there because he wanted to make sure that i was okay. yes, until that extent. that is why i was pretty surprised when he said it was okay for me if i wanted to continue my study abroad because he is sure that it is the best for me. and when he sent me to the airport, that was the first time i saw him crying. at that time, i finally realized that his overprotectiveness is actually the way he shows how much he loves me. he loves me and my sister more than anything in this world, that's what my mom always says :) due to his overprotectiveness and conservative way of thinking, i am not that close to him, but somehow, he understands me and my sister even better than my mom. my mom always asks him for guidance everytime she feels like i'm too stubborn to be given any advice or my sister is too persistent with her afraidness. this might show that i'm so desperate, but he's my current boyfriend since i always report to him everytime i already reach home and where i am via bbm :P

my little sister is another story. she is a completely different person from me. the only thing which is similar between us both is maybe our stubbornness :D. she is a kind of artsy person who likes dealing with photography and web designing. she likes photo editing and she was even selected to join her school art camp (luckily my dad allowed her to join. remember his overprotectiveness? :D). her laziness might defeat a hibernating polar bear and she only started to study seriously for her national final exams only ONE MONTH before it was started. can you imagine how panic my dad was seeing that her little daughter only managed to have a little preparation before her national final exams? luckily, she is so smart and she managed to enter one of top high schools in jogja :D. don't compare her with me about this, i surely won't be able to do that with only one month of preparation :D. another thing about her which is different from me is her friendly face. everyone says that our faces are look alike, however most of them say that her face is more friendly than mine and yes, i admit that i have this annoying look that might give people first thought of "oh no, this girl is such a freakingly serious person". well, get to know me and you will change your first impression, hahaha. ok, back to my sister, she is the only person i run to when i feel like telling stories that i am not able to tell to my dad or my mom, like she's my second BFF after my mom :D. we talk almost like everyday, thanks to technology, and i think we're so close as sisters :).

well, i already give you enough stories about my family. with various characters in our little family, luckily we are able to be united and stay close-knitted as ever in both happy and tough times, which is actually the most important thing :)

ciao. see ya when i see ya :P