so... this is it

#nowplaying Jung Yong Hwa - Because I Miss You
"Always the exactly same sky and always the same day
Only thing that is different is that you are not here"
hey all,
my blog post this time will be a little personal. i don't know where to write this feeling down besides my own blog because there are too many close friends in facebook and twitter. i know this is not even a private or locked blog, but i also know very well that not a lot of people read this blog, so this is the safest place to write about my feeling right now because actually i don't want too many people to know about this.

especially him.

this guy who has taken my heart and healed me from my breakup.
this guy that i hated at the beginning but then filled my days with joy to the limit that i don't feel any hatred for him anymore.
this guy that i didn't plan to fall in love with.
this guy whom i thought is a carbon copy of me in the terms of thoughts and behaviours.
this guy who is not even handsome nor having killer body to fall for.
this guy whom people think can be as weird as hell.


and the only guy who can make me cry for the whole night just because of missing him.
"I thought I've let you go. Without anything left
No, no. I still haven't been able to let you go"
to be honest, i only cried once because of a guy, it was when i was in high school, and it is pretty much understandable since it was one of those stupid puppy love stages and my hormonal fluctuation drove me like crazy. i have had a lot of crushes since but none of them could make my tears fall even a drop.
even for some guys that i thought i fell for 'seriously' (this post might ring a bell), or even when i had my first breakup, i didn't cry a single tear. at that time, i thought i was too sad to cry. i felt that kind of heavy burden in my chest that needed to be lifted, but i didn't manage to cry any single tear. i tried sooooo many ways to cry, but i never succeeded. the thoughts that passed my mind was 'am i that heartless? or do i love him so much that i can't even cry because of too much sadness?'. but i never managed to find the answers.

and here came this guy.

i was still stuck with my ex at that time. i said to everyone that i was over him, but actually i wasn't. he still came to my dreams. i still stalked him through his facebook profile, and i was hurt when i found out that he's with someone new. but still, i couldn't find any way to lift that heavy burden in my chest. the burden kept increasing and i still haven't found any way to cry any single tear to help remove them out.

and then this guy came with his pointless talks and witty jokes. at first i felt bothered by him, but then i was thinking, ah it won't be harmful for me to have those pointless talks with him, so i just had it a go. since then, i started to find out that we're quite alike. we have the same thoughts, we have the same kind of attitude, but somehow i found some of my missing puzzle pieces in him. he's able to calm me down, he knows how to cheer me up and make my day only by asking me how i was. he gave me attention that i didn't get from my ex when we were in relationship, and he is not even my boyfriend. and that heavy burden that has been bugging me for almost a year was finally removed without me realizing it. i was enjoying my days too much to realize that the heavy burden in my chest had been replaced with happiness.
then i realized that i'm in love with him.

and like usual, i couldn't show him how i feel. i am too afraid to let him know that i love him. i am too afraid of rejections. ah, i guess i don't need to list them all down here since you guys have been very familiar with those reasons, haven't you?

we were really close, like really really close, until all of sudden we were drifted apart by an invisible thick barrier that i cannot get through, until now.
my feeling was so mixed up since then. i kept saying to myself that i am a strong girl. i could get through my first break up easily, so this one should be a clinch. i tried to make myself busy with my assignments, my exams, my final year project, everything to get him out of my mind.
but i just can't.
"Longing for you, I am longing for you. Because I am longing for you, I call you and call you by myself everyday
Missing you, I am missing you. Because I am missing you, now I just call out your name like a habit. Even today"
especially knowing that he's in love with someone else, it just teared me up little by little to accept the truth that everything we had was nothing than a good friendship, or the closest we can get is only a brother-sister relationship. i totally understand if he's leaving me for her since i'm definitely nothing compared to her. she's much prettier, smarter, nicer, basically much better than me, so i cannot blame him for leaving me just like that.

my feeling was really fluctuating since he's gone. at some moments, i was able to accept the reality that he's no longer there for me. he won't be there anymore to calm myself down or cheer me up whenever i have problems. i keep saying to myself that i have to face them all by myself and i have to be independent.

but i have to admit that i miss him so much. SO MUCH that it is even able to make me cry.

yes, i finally cried because of a guy.
i was crying hard too when i was watching Crazy Little Thing Called Love. the story of the movie is just like the story of my life, and the first thought that passed my mind and brought me to tears was - yes, it was him.
and last night was the worst. i listened to this song titled 'Because I Miss You' by Jung Yong Hwa and read the lyric translations. i suddenly felt like something was hitting my chest so hard that i started to tear up a little. i put this song to my 'broken' playlist in my itunes together with other brokenhearted songs that have been bringing me to sleep these months. stupidly, i just clicked the repeat button and here i am, having this song on repeat until now. i cried so hard last night and i only could stop when i fell asleep. i really felt that this is the time when i'm missing him the most. i just want a single, simple, no-fuss 'hi' from him, and i believe that it will make my day better. however, i'm doubting that i will be okay afterwards. what if i'm missing him even more, like what's happening now? i'm missing him like crazy now because of him dropping by to know how i'm doing several days ago, and leaving me since. it's like being in a rollercoaster. you feel the excitement once you're at the top, but then feeling an instant breakdown once you're heading down to earth.

and this is what leaves me confused right now.
"Day by day, I feel like I am dying, so what could I do?"
should i just let him go?

i feel like deleting everything about him from my life. i am not deleting every access of him to get to me, but i'm planning on deleting all of my accesses to him so that i'm not 'tempted' to find out how he is.

and i am even crying while typing this blog post. i can't imagine letting him go from my life. i know he's already out of it, but thinking of totally kicking him out of my life already brings me to tears.

but i know i have to be strong. one of my besties said that 'the one whom you cry for doesn't deserve your tears, because the one who deserves it will never make you cry'.

i don't know whether this guy deserves all these tears, but what i know is i'm tired of feeling this way. i'm tired of waiting for nothing, and i'm tired of hurting myself.

so, i guess i have to let him go.


bye love. i know you won't leave my heart any sooner, but i have to forget you. i know it will be hard for me and there will be more tears coming out starting from now on, but i know that i will be alright.

thank you for cheering me up whenever i had my breakdown.
thank you for calming down whenever i was about to burst out in anger.
thank you for fulfilling my days with laughter.
thank you for giving attention to all the craps that i gave you.
thank you for bearing with me eventhough i could be so harsh to you sometimes.... i did that because i don't want you to know how i feel for you.
thank you for being my living dopamine all this time.
thank you for making me feel special at some moments.
thank you for coming to my dreams and making me smile everytime i woke up.
thank you for being there for me when i needed you.
thank you for understanding me in everything, that even surprised me because i felt like you've known me forever.

and lastly, thank you for letting me being happy in love, once again.

that's all from me. thank you for reading this crappy post. please wish me luck for this :)

"Love you, Love you. I love you. Without even being able to tell you these, I've had to let you go like that
Sorry, I am sorry. Can you hear me? Could you be able to hear my late confession?
I love you."