hellooooooo 2014! :D
i knowwwww i know i know i broke my promise for being a good blogger. for the millionth time. i know *sobs* forgive me? *puppy eyes*
anywayysss, happy 2014! did you guys manage to fulfill your 2013 resolutions? well, i didn't *grin*
one of those resolutions was 'being more feminine' (which has become my resolution every year that i always, always, ALWAYS manage to fail *sigh*). as usual, my sunday morning is always spent rolling on my bed while (over)thinking about a lot of things, and this morning i was suddenly curious why it is soooooooo difficult for me to be more feminine. i mean, i am pretty much a very straight girl (although i have a massive girl crush on f(x) Amber but, well, that is an entirely different case) and isn't being interested in makeups and fashion supposed to be natural like it's already implemented in every girl's brain or somewhere in their bodies?
but then, i remember how i was raised when i was little.
my parents were pretty much total contradiction from me and my sister when they were young. my mom was a very fashionable young lady, with a lot of friends and numerous hangout sessions with different cliques every weekend. same thing applied for my dad, and it can be easily seen from how sociable he is even now. however, they said that school wasn't much their priorities, and they had to struggle to survive 12 years of school + more or less 6 years of university. this fact made them come into one agreement: their children have to be better than them in terms of academic life.
i can safely say that since i was little, the toys that my parents bought me were either educational toys, or plushies. even those plushies were mostly characters from storybooks that they bought me. yes, another major expenses during my childhood went to books. i was very, very, VERY interested in books, of all kinds, especially because i was able to read and understand full sentences since i was three, the age when most of the kids in my kindergarten only started to know alphabets, so my parents got overexcited and overloaded me with a lot of books :P my parents once told me and my sister, "you have to save your money for other things, but you are allowed to splurge on books." they never bought us or introduced us to game consoles like nintendo or sega, and i only managed to know them when i was in primary school since my youngest uncle bought it for himself. i guess this is the sole reason why i am not really interested in those kind of games, even until now.
another thing that my parents really emphasized in their agreement was that their kids have to be able to be fluent in english, especially since they are not able to grasp this language that well. both of us were enrolled in private kindergarten where english was taught as one of the subjects. when i entered primary school, english was not one of the basic subjects until we were in grade 3 or 4, so my parents registered us in english courses to ensure that we were always familiar with english. when i was in upper grades of my primary school, my parents 'upgraded the game' by only allowing me to buy books if they are in english, so i had to buy my harry potter series or other novels in english, and i was only able to read indonesian teenlits or chicklits by borrowing it from my friends. i was introduced to boyzone since as early as fifth grade of primary school, and i was only allowed to watch english-spoken movies or cartoons in the cinema if i wanted them to pay the tickets for me (so if i wanted to watch indonesian movies, i had to pay it by myself from my own saving, at the same time teaching me that if i really want to get something, i have to struggle for it).
makeups and fashion are also other things that my dad (nope, not my mom) is not really keen on to be related to his two daughters. we were always dressed in pants or shorts since we were little because my dad was afraid that we would be having..... uhmm..... flatulence (no, i'm totally not kidding here) since skirts have 'bigger hole' than pants which allows extra air to seep in (omg noooo i don't need to be reminded how ridiculous the reason is). this fact itself definitely explains why i am never comfortable wearing skirts, until now. for makeups, i am pretty sure it was because my dad had successfully 'brainwashed' both of us with the idea of women who paid more-than-necessary attention to their fashion or makeups will never be successful, like by simply telling us a story about his friends' daughters who always look pretty, fashionable and stuff, but never managed to get enrolled in government schools because their final examination results were unsatisfactory, troubling their parents by having them to pay extra extra tuition fees. getting 'brainwashed' like this a lot of times, especially since early age, made me completely ignorant to those beauty-related stuff. everytime i have extra money on my own, i'd rather spend it on books, computer-related stuff, or gadgets (because i just realized that i always bought my laptops with my own money, and i spent my first salaries by buying new laptop, new external harddisk and new cellphone, instead of makeups or skincare kit or new clothes :P). besides, i was too busy to study (and to be a hermit :P), even taking extra tuition sessions outside of school at times when students don't usually prefer to take (like 1st or 2nd grade of middle and high school, because they prefer to take those sessions during their final years), to maintain my scores and all to care about these things anyway :P
in conclusion, i am who i am right now because of the way i was raised. i don't blame my parents, not at all. i am so grateful for having such caring, attentive parents who care a lot about our future. although they emphasize the importance of education at all times, they never pressure us to be the 'cream of the crop', but they always remind us to do our best and never stop trying. i can never be even luckier than how i am right now to have parents like them, really.
soooooo, i think i can understand now why it is very difficult for me to be interested in such things. my friends in the lab are starting to be more interested in talking about shopping and fashion and makeup and all those girly stuff, and they're no longer interested in movies or music or stuff that we used to talk about. yeah, it is enough to make me feel alienated because no matter how hard i try, i am never interested in such things. besides, i think my parents will not be happy if i spend their money on such things, right? :P
the problem is, what am i supposed to do to 'synchronize' our 'wavelength' when it doesn't match?? *sigh*
like usual, thanks for reading my useless rants. ciao.