being readable

ehm, first of all, happy new year everybody! *well, i knowwww this is like two months late but since this is my first post in 2013, no harm done rite? :P*

sooooooo

ehm

back to the point

last night, i had a talk with my roommate before we drifted to sleep. i didn't know what was the topic before that, but then my roommate (who had known me for 5 years) told me that i'm like... the most readable person in the world.
what readable means here is people can see what i feel or what i think clearly on my face (does that mean i'm an expressive person too...? well, idk). you are definitely able to easily know whether i am sad, frustrated, panic, happy. people also can see if i don't like a person or if i do, if i fake a laugh, or if i feel uncomfortable.

when i took my bath this morning (don't furrow your brows yet. i am person who definitely agrees with the idea that bathroom is the most perfect place to make life decisions. and i tend to overanalyze and overthink somemore, so this often happens :P), i thought of the pros and cons being a readable person.

For the cons, of course, being a readable person will make other people know if i don't feel comfortable with them or something like that, and it will make them feel uncomfortable too. this is what i don't like the most about being (too) readable. sometimes it's just a small thing like laughing over a not-so-funny joke, and the person who gave the joke knew that i just faked a laugh to make that person happy. trust me, it put you in a sooooo awkward situation. that was just one small example. the most difficult thing that i (still) have to overcome is to know how to cover my expression so that it won't show if i don't like a specific person. my other friend once said that i can change my expression in a blink of an eye once anyone that i don't like comes into view, no matter how much i try to keep smiling whatsoever. and the funny thing is, it will also happen if the person i like (you know, that kind of like, like like) is within my sight. i will even try harder to put my cool facade eventhough i feel all jumpy inside. again, no matter how hard i try, you will always see from (at least) my eyes that i feel differently for that particular person.
since i haven't found the perfect solution to this problem, i tend to avoid those people who have the 'potential' to make me give such expressions. this is the major reason why i tend to avoid some people in my life because, trust me, i sincerely do not want things to get ugly, and the safest thing to do is to keep some distance from them. so, if you feel like i'm avoiding you, it's either because i like you, or i hate you. good luck figuring out which one :P


however, what i like about this trait is i'm not fake. since i cannot lie through my expressions, i tend to tell the truth too, because it's definitely no use to lie if they can see it from my face anyway. that's why some people also think of me as a blunt person. it sometimes gets worse if i can't find the right words and those people even think of me as a harsh human being. believe me, i don't even mean to do that. it's never my intention to be harsh. it's just a matter of me not being able to find the right gesture or right words to say. people who are close to me already know about this and that's why i'm glad that they're still with me through thick and thin.


there are some questions bugging my head when i thought about this thing this morning. is being readable such natural characteristic that you cannot simply change, or is it just an attitude that you can change someday? if it is natural, then i can't help but stick to being readable forever. but if i can, somehow, 'learn' how to mask what i feel or what i think, i would like to do so, because i don't want to make people feel uncomfortable with me. i don't want to avoid more people in my life either.


to those who manage to read this far, i salute you because you can keep up with my useless and nonsense rant, kekeke. thanks for reading anyway, i'll appreciate it more if you can give me some solutions too ^^


soooooo till next time! ciao :)