a newfound friendship :)

Hi! :D

I just went back from my trip to Penang! :D thank God everything went well, and it was a new experience for me to visit another part of Malaysia :) I'll tell the whole stories complete with the pictures once my friends already upload the pictures on facebook, deal? :D


I am daaaang tired since I just slept for approximately 2 hours during the past 32 hours, but I am sooo excited to write this post and this can't wait until tomorrow (to the limit that I am currently typing this on my bb because I am too tired to turn my laptop on :P). In this post, I am going to tell the story about the journey itself, especially the one when we were back from Penang.


We rented one van that may occupy up to 15 people including the driver, but since there were 16 of us joining the trip, one of us (let's say that her name is A :D) brought her car, together with her brother (let's call him B :P) as spare transportation. This was the first time for us to meet B. Besides me in that car, there were also C (male) and D (female), meaning that there were five of us in the car. C is our classmate, but we are not that close, while D has been a close friend of mine since undergraduate years.


We departed from UPM at 11 pm on thursday night since we wanted to arrive at National Poison Centre early. The journey itself took only approximately 4 hours (since both the van and B were speeding like they were in Fast and Furious movie :P). During the journey, D and I were the ones who kept on talking since we wanted to keep B awake (by being noisy, kekeke~ :P) and concentrated on the road. However, B did not talk much this time, and just occasionally commented on our remarks.


However, it was a completely different story when we went back from Penang on friday afternoon. C started the conversation with B, and we found out that B is pretty much a talkative (and a bit 4D XD~) person after having a good nap. Since they were the same age (22 y.o.), it was easy for them to get along.
We decided to separate ways from the van because A needed to drop by at her relative's house in Perak (which is located around our way back to UPM from Penang) since the relative is getting married this Sunday. That was the first time for A and B to come to their relative's house, and we kept getting lost during our journey to Perak (to the limit that we trusted B's-not-so-trustable intuition instead of GPS XD~). However, we kept on laughing and singing and trying to guess some roads while munching on loads of potato chips that we had in the car instead of getting stressed, so I guess this is the first time I was having fun when I was lost in my way :D


When we were back from Perak to UPM, the story began. I did not really remember how it was started, but I think it was when we commented on C's all-mellow-yellow song choice (since it was currently C's playlist playing in the car). All of sudden, he told us the story of his bitter love life.

Basically, C was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years. He was really in love with this girl, but suddenly she asked to break up. When C asked why, she just stated that she didn't find him compatible with her (which is, helloooooo, what did you do for the past three years until you only found it out just now??). Eventhough it was hard for him, he just did what the girl wanted and they broke up. Surprisingly, the girl wanted him back around one week after they broke up, but he could not accept her back at that time since he thought that she was just playing around with him. Buuuut, one month later, he felt like he couldn't hold his feeling anymore because he missed her so much, so he called her and asked her to meet up....
... only to find out that she's already with someone new :(
Of course, he was really broken at that time. Three years is no joke man, they even already met each other's families. However, he was also thankful because later on, he found out that when he was in a relationship with her, she had cheated on him. Twice. At the end, he told us that he already moved on, and he was thankful that God had shown earlier to him that she's not the right one for him.


Then, we moved on to A's story. A is currently doing her PhD, and she is in a relationship with someone three years younger than her. The thing is, this guy has already settled down with his bachelor, and he asked A to get married with him next year. He keeps asking her to marry him like ASAP, and it's getting on A's nerves. She just started her PhD and everything has not been settled yet. She still needs to confirm on her methods, finish all her classes, and other suffocating stuff to do. Getting married ASAP is definitely not a priority for her right now. What makes her sad is it seems like her boyfriend does not understand why she needs to continue to PhD since he already settles down with his bachelor degree, and she starts to feel like her boyfriend does not support her. She was like stressed all our way back to UPM and asked us to play rock songs for her. We could not do anything much for her, but at least we sang along with her to the top of our lungs and she kept on laughing with us since our voice combination was, well.... a bit funny if I should say :P


Next, D told her story. Back then, before she is in a relationship with her boyfriend now, she was close with this one guy. They were like so close that people around them already think that they are in a relationship. However, one day, they suddenly drifted apart without her knowing the reason why *ahem, why does the story sound familiar? :D*. He kept on avoiding her to the limit that she was tired to keep asking what is wrong with him or her that time, and she just decided that she won't mess with his life anymore eventhough she still felt something for him.
Two years later, she found out the truth from her other friend that actually that guy liked her at that time, just like how she felt for him. Buuuuut, he found out that his bestfriend liked D too, so he decided to give up his feelings at that time and 'hand D over' to his bestfriend. This fact drove D mad because she felt like she's just a thing that people can easily hand over. Well, it's understandable since she has feelings too. It doesn't mean that she will accept the bestfriend anyway eventhough that guy already hand her over to him because she did not have any feeling for the bestfriend. At the end, none of them ended up with her, and she is happy now with his current boyfriend. She admitted that she did not feel right during those two years before she found out the truth because she still had feelings for him and she kept asking herself 'what went wrong?', so basically she said to us (particularly to me :P) to settle every unanswered questions in our heads and stop making assumptions because the truth may be far from what we think of.


From all the stories that night, the saddest love story came from B. Two years ago, he lost his girlfriend of 5 years. In an accident. And the accident happened in Gurney Drive, Penang. And the first place that we dropped by when we were arrived at Penang was, you've guessed it, Gurney Drive. Yes, somehow I feel like this might be one of the reasons why he was quiet all the way to Penang, but all-talkative when we were back from Penang. He got the hardest process of moving on. He cried himself to sleep, and sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares about her. They had been a couple since middle school and he already thought that she was the one for him, so it was really hard for him to let her go. At the end, he finally came to terms that he would not be able to forget her completely, even if he's with someone new. The memories will always be there, eventhough the feelings may not. He said to us not to force ourselves to move on, because it is a process. Forcing ourselves to move on will only make us suffer. It is okay to cry, it is okay to think of the person sometimes, it is okay to have a dream about that person, but don't let it get ourselves down. Keep busy, do new things, make new memories. Well, it works for him. He is now in a relationship with a Malaysian who's currently residing in Canada for her bachelor degree, and he plans to propose her when she is back in Malaysia :)


It was kind of surprising to me that in the span of 32 hours being together, we become the best of friends all of sudden. It felt like something 'clicked' that night when we told our stories one by one. I feel like they can be the friends that I am gonna be with both when I want to have fun together and when I need a shoulder to lean on. All of us had our fun when we joked and sang our hearts out, but we also tried our best to give advices and comforting words when any of us put our hearts out during the heart-to-heart session. It feels like we are able to trust each other in only 32 hours. We even made a plan to have another road trip together, or at least a hanging out session at any coffee shop during our free time, and we ensure that B joins us too although he's not from UPM.


Well, we find friendship in unexpected ways, right? :)


I will come back soon with new post full of pictures and story during our trip to Penang. Sooooo, see you around! :)



Ps: Did I tell my story too? Yes, of course, and they gave me the best advices :)

fifty shades of me :P

see, i fulfilled my promise. it's just one day and i'm back with a new post *grin*

it's almost 4 am and i just woke up from my not-so-deep slumber (since i woke up a few times) because i am about to disrupt my biological clock. and why do i have to do so?

because my classmates and i are going on a road trip to penang tomorrow night (teeheeee~ i love road trips! :D). i guess i need to stay awake for the whole journey because i don't wanna close my eyeeeeees i don't wanna fall asleeeeep *ahem. sorry :P* well, we already rented one big van that may occupy all of us + the driver, but i prefer to join one of my classmates' ride since, well, that's what road trip is all about, right? :D besides, it's much better for me to be in the same ride with fun people because the trip to penang will gonna be a pretty long journey (for approximately 5 hours. and it is not inclusive with the traffic jam considering that this is gonna be a kinda long weekend and the road will be oh-packed-so-much). so pleaaaaaase pray for me so that everything will go smoothly and safely :)


anywaaaaayyyyy


i need to stay awake during these times, maybe until around 10 am or something, and this one idea suddenly popped in my head.


why don't i write 50 facts about me??


i knooooooow this is very narcisstic of me to do so (and i am warning you now that the facts i am gonna write will probably be totally useless. don't tell me that i haven't warned you :P), but please bear with me, okay okay? *grin*

1. i love onion rings.
2. my body weight is always back to the same number for the past 3 years, no matter how much i eat or how much i starve.
3. i mostly sleep in fetus position.
4. i am pretty much a 'readable' person, because my expression always shows what i feel.
5. i am currently in love with the scent of azure breeze from marks & spencer and green tea.
6. blue has been and forever will always be my favorite color.
7. i am getting more introvert these days.
8. i always replace tapioca pearls in bubble tea with pudding.
9. i can't ride a bike.
10. i have a playlist full of brokenhearted songs named 'broken' and i always listen to it before i fall asleep.
11. tumblr has always been my guilty pleasure.
12. i don't find facebook interesting anymore.
13. i hate fish, veggies, and fruits.
14. but i am TOTALLY in for canned sardines, bananas, and eggplants.
15. i really want to master rapping, because girl rappers always sound cool to me ^^
16. i like my sunny-side egg to have crispy, brown edge, but still-runny egg yolk (yessss, you have to fry it in LOADS of oil :P)
17. i am afraid of cats
18. but i have soft spot for kittens
19. i love coffee, but i can't stand the anxiety after T^T
20. i can't sleep before listening to music (unless i am really tired)
21. i concentrate and work better with music (yes, including labworks and exam preparations :P)
22. i always download videos in resolution of 360 px
23. the best reality shows for me will always be SHINee Hello Baby, Running Man, and Shinhwa Broadcast
24. the best tv series will always go to big bang theory (hail to the nerds! *grin*)
25. i don't use any head support while sleeping, and i hug the pillow instead
26. i love mountains better than beach for holidays
27. i am a pretty blunt person
28. i plan everything beforehand, and i hate it the most when things don't go like what i plan
29. i am not an adventurous person since i would like to stay in my comfort zone forever
30. yeah i gotta admit that i have low self-esteem
31. i am allergic to dust and cold weather (to the limit that i had to wake up in the middle of the night when the temperature reached 17 degree C and i couldn't breathe because my nose was totally blocked, so i had to drink something hot. and there i was, sitting in the kitchen, waiting for my water to boil in the kettle, while trying my best to breathe through my mouth :P)
32. my favorite number is 8, because it is a symbol of infinity (and it is my birthdate too :D)
33. i really want to learn korean and japanese
34. after reading sons of the sun, barcelona is the place that i want to visit at the moment ^^
35. i am a sucker for plushies
36. my favorite lipbalm flavor would be Etude House Be Happy Ladybug (peach(-like??) flavored)
37. my ideal date would be sitting in a coffeeshop and chit-chatting for hours, or stargazing at a rooftop
38. i love sitting down at the furthest, most secluded corner in my library, connecting to the hotspot while munching my snacks (psssst :P)
39. i love karaoke
40. my forever favorite cartoon characters would always be dumbo, doraemon, and pikachu
41. i don't like parties, basically any formal occasions (i even celebrated my sweet seventeen by renting a mini-theatre for 30 ppl instead of having a party :P)
42. my favorite animal is elephant
43. i become a noob when it comes to philosophical, poem-related things
44. i hate politics
45. i can cook alfredo pasta (my forever favorite pasta), totally from scratch (i mean no instant sauce), and so far my sister loves it :P
46. i love baking, especially brownies
47. my favorite housechore is cleaning the bathroom (my housemates know about this so well :P)
48. i love it even better when people say i am 'cool' instead of 'pretty', 'cute', or 'beautiful'
49. i have jinx with earphones, because they only can stay averagely one month with me (no matter how expensive or cheap they are), so i always have stocks :P
50. i don't like tea, but i love fruity-flavored teas, especially strawberry

trust me, this is the longest random-fact-post i have ever written :P


sooooooo till we meet again! adios amigos! :)

my blogging journey: year after year

hello! :D
sooooo this is my first post here in blogspot (since the previous posts are the ones that i moved from blogdrive) and second post in 2012 (when 2012 is about to end.... ckckckck. how productive i am :P)

it was a good 7 year journey with blogdrive, and it was actually kinda tough decision for me to move from blogdrive to blogspot. in the end, i still have to move out since my blogdrive is no longer accessible (because it turned into this freaky search engine-like website! i wonder how and why >.<) and maaaaan seriously, moving 200-something posts MANUALLY (since i am not a premium user, therefore i am not entitled to have backups of my blog posts and not able to migrate the posts automatically *sobs*) is no joke. it took me around 3 days to move them all. sadly, i cannot transfer the comments, so all the comments in my blog posts are back to zero (but i am not really complaining because the comments i received recently were mostly spams anyway :P). however, it is kinda good thing to move to blogspot since i have found a website which is able to create blogbook from blogspot and wordpress. i always love tweetbook, so i guess i will love having blogbooks too :)


it would probably take faster time to transfer all the blog posts from blogdrive to here if i did not spend too much time on re-reading my old blog posts :P and i definitely could see that i have changed during the past 7 years.

2005 was my most active year with 49 posts. i guess i was so excited with blogging at that time, and now i even think that most of my blog posts were something that make me rise one eyebrow and think like 'whaaaat on earth was i thinking when i posted this back then???' :D besides, i was not acquainted yet with twitter and facebook, and of course i need some place to rant, squeal, basically a place to dump every feeling and experience that i get everyday. i started blogging when i was in second year of high school, and the instability of my teenage hormones was at its peak at that time, so don't get surprised when you are pretty much interested to dig some parts of my past, particularly in that year, then you come across a wailing post, only to be followed by a happy cheery post one or two days later :P
and maaaaaannn i cannot stand the way i typed back then! i tYpEd LikE tHis and now i wonder why i was not tired at that time, typing one long post in tHis KinD oF sTYLe :P but well, ahm, i thought it would look cool at that time. thank God i already passed that stage (blame my teenage hormones. again. :P)

in 2006, you can see that my posts had been 'toned' down :D i did not use excessive exclamation nor question marks, i did not tYpE LiKe ThiS (thank GOD!), and i wrote less emo posts :P i was more into random things like discussing about movies, TV commercials, or weird occurrences happening in my daily life. however, 2006 was the year when i was trying to find out about my own personality the most, and it can be seen in some posts where i was confused about how i should behave and what kind of person actually i was. you will also see that i was ranting about IGCSE like A LOT since, to be honest, it was the most frustrating exam i had ever taken in my life (and i did not even take physics at that time. i would have been muddled by then :P). IGCSE also holds the record for being the exam with the longest period since it took me almost one month to finish all the papers (to the limit that i got stomachache, nausea, fever, and i lost my voice. thank you) and one whole year of full preparation. the results were not like what i expected, but it was the best that i could do.

2007 was the year with the most various happenings in my life. i was graduated from high school and i managed to pass the university entrance exam for Gadjah Mada University (although i turned down the offer and chose UPM instead :P). i filled in the gap between july to december with anything that i could do to vanish my boredom at home (from cooking and reading various books, to watching movies and dramas on TV). i also wrote posts about my worry before going to UPM about how to start living alone for the first time, how to adapt in such new environment without my parents by my side, and how to survive my university life because being a university student is completely different from being a high school student. there were also posts about my first times in UPM, like first class that i attended, new international student welcoming program, first indonesian people that i got introduced with, first housemates and roommate, first friend in my class, and many others. it was fun reading my posts in 2007 because all the memories came back to me and without realizing it, i was already giggling since they remind me of how naive but adventurous i was at that time.


in 2008, i wrote mostly when i was in my hometown during semester break because - yeah, you've guessed it - i have nothing to do. i discussed mostly about movies i rented and tv series that i watched. if i may say, 2008 was my 'introvert' year, in which i rarely wrote about my feelings and i wrote about incidents, my opinions about stuff, or even random things, like my university bus or library, instead. when i try to remember now, i think i was a quiet and very secretive person in 2008. i was more concentrated into my university stuff at that time. i did not care about befriending anyone, or even falling in love (well, i can't deny that i had a few crushes back then, but still :P). i tried to enjoy life without thinking about those kind of things, and i think i was quite happy with my black and white life at that time :)

2009 was a totally different story. the first difference was i started to write more intensely in english. secondly, i was into american idol and i fell for adam lambert at that time *grin*. i started to get closer to my classmates and i started to 'spark' more colors into my life. however, i was back to my emo self and i wrote a lot of posts (or implied ones :P) about this one guy that i fell for during that year. that was the first time when i had a feeling for someone and i was sure that there was 'something' between us (oh myyyy shame on meeeee >.<), so i was like, i did not get it why the reality happening was not like what i expected.
i also posted my very first (and maybe only :P) video-log in 2009, together with other music videos that i like at that time. i was into posts with short writings, and putting more videos or pictures instead. well, one picture says a thousand words, right? :D

2010, 2011, and 2012 were my unproductive years. i was soooooo busy during these times, but i did not forget to give summaries on my life happenings. it was very unfortunate for me to write less during those years, because important events happened during these times. i had my first internships, first boyfriend, first breakup. i was a final year student, i was graduated, and currently being a postgraduate student. i was, and am still, in love with the same guy over the last two years. yes, this was the longest period for me falling in love with someone, and i have reached a very desperate state in how to forget this guy because i am really sure that he has no feeling for me. most of the posts were also dedicated for him, including a stupid poem that i made when i realized that i fell for him for the first time, a tearful (yes, this guy is also the one who makes me cry the most) post when i decided to move on and let him go (but being stupid me, i still haven't done it, until this very second), and a post that i wrote when i was at the peak of 'how the hell can i forget this guy??' because it is, believe me, hard to do so (well, i have said that i am reaching a very desperate state, haven't i?).


after having, at least, a glance on those 200-something posts, i realized that i have changed. i grew up, that is for sure. i don't say that i have become mature or something (because yes, i admit that i haven't. i am still being my childish self :P), but i have turned into someone better (well, i have to! XD). i do not regret anything, not every single thing, that happened in my life, because they happened for a reason and they have made me who i am right now. it feels good to have such memories. well, at least they can be something to laugh over when i am stressed or something, right? :)



however, there is one thing that has not changed over the years.



i still write posts about how unattractive i am. i still blame my looks for staying single. i am still being my unconfident self. i am also still the same old heartbroken person :P

ehm ehm.


sooo, i cannot promise anything, but i will try to write more, because i just realize that i miss writing blog posts so much (since i am more into microblogging a.k.a twitter nowadays >.<)


see you when i see you! :)

bye 22, hye 23 :)

hello all.
yes, i know that this blog is all rusty and dusty and all possible vocabs related to 'abandoned' can describe. i was re-reading my old blog entries today (luckily!) and i just realized that i haven't made any re-cap post about being 22. yes, today is one week past my birthday and i am currently 23 years old. well, i have to say that a lot of important events happened during my second twin numbers. i hope i can remember all of them and write them in this re-cap post ^^
here we go.

the most important thing which happened when i was 22 was I AM FINALLY GRADUATED!!! yes, people, you didn't just misread it. i was finally successful to go through my last 4 years as a college student with a CGPA of 3.67. not bad, huh? i am already a cumlaude if i am in indonesia. unfortunately, there is no such things as cumlaude title here. unless you have a higher CGPA than 3.75, then you are able to be entitled as first-class student and able to continue STRAIGHT to PhD. isn't it just awezoooome? :P

anddddd i directly went to postgraduate path. so yes, i am now currently a postgraduate student, a master student to be exact. being a postgraduate student is completely different from being an undergraduate student, especially for those who undergo research like what i do right now. i only have a 3-hour class once a week (which is statistics and i am never able to completely stay awake during those 3 hours. i have to go to the toilet at least once to wash my sleepy face :P) and i spend the whole week for research, so i have to arrange my own schedule.  i am still with the same supervisor as the one who supervised my fyp and everything went smoothly so far. i am planning to take the fast-track, where i can spend three years in total for both master and PhD degree and, yeah, i am keeping my fingers crossed :)
i also had another internship when i was on my 4-month holiday because, well, just because :P i definitely gained more knowledge and experiences in working world. i learned how to deal with bosses, how to negotiate with them, how to 'read' what they actually want, and how to deal with backstabbers :P well, i cannot say that those 3 months went smoothly. i met those who stole my work and claimed it as theirs, but thank God i managed to claim back what's mine :) however, i enjoyed working there because i have such amazing, helpful, and fun workmates eventhough i was placed in a division where ALL of the staffs were men and i was like, of course, the only female there. i still keep in touch with those who were in the same department with me and it feels great to be able to make more friends during my holiday instead of just hanging out at home and gaining more fat to my already-bulky body :D
because of my 2 internship experiences, i finally decided that i am not going to work in industrial sector. i guess i am more suitable to work in research or academic field instead of industry. it's not because of the obstacles that i met during my internship period. who says that research is easy? it can be even much more frustrating than your bitchy bosses you meet everyday at work. however, i somehow feel that research keeps me 'alive'. during my internship period, i already felt sleepy when i reached home and i didn't even have enough energy to have more activities after that. however, when i was undergoing research for my FYP and now when i am in my postgraduate study, i didn't feel the same way. i still managed to browse for more informations or journal after i reached home from lab. another remarkable difference is when i am about to start my activities in the morning. i always woke up lazily when i was in my internship because i knew that i was going to do the same thing over and over again. however, when i woke up in the morning nowadays, i always feel excited because i am curious of how my experiment on that day is going to be. i am excited to know the results and i feel even more excited if i can troubleshoot the problems that i meet during that day. yes, now you can see what differs me in research field and me in industry. it's the CURIOSITY. working in research field will keep my curiosity growing and i am sure that my brain will always work that way. since i don't want to get alzheimer just because i don't work enough with my brain, i guess i have to stay in research or academic field, don't i? :P
and when i was 22, i was more AND MORE immersed into kpop to the limit where i do not keep on track with top 40 music anymore :P i am deeply in love with Choi Minho of SHINee eventhough he is like 2 years younger than me :P what i love from hallyu wave is actually their variety shows, especially those with the idols like SHINee, Super Junior, or MBLAQ. These variety shows are definitely good stress relief for me because they never fail to make me laugh until my stomach hurts. The one that i never get bored of is SHINee's Hello Baby because the baby they took care of (Yoogeun) was oh-so-friggin-adorable and they were all just being completely nuts for the whole 13 episodes :D i've been watching the show like a zillion times and i still want to watch it for more zillion times to come :D

i guess those 5 paragraphs were enough to recap on how my 22-year-old life was. overall, i was happy and grateful with what i had and experienced, and i hope i will be more blessed with this new age and everything will just go smoothly without any high bumps here and there :)
just like usual, see ya later alligator! :)

i bet some of you do

Do you know how hard it is to forget someone?
When that person is the one who broke the walls that you've built after you're hurt
When that person is the one who could make you laugh when you're in your crankiest mood of the day
When that person is the one who could pop colours into your boring black and white life
When that person is the one who could bring the inner, happy glowing you
When that person is the one who could make you try all your might to hide your feelings
When that person is the one who could bring a little blush on your cheeks when he teased you
When that person is the one who could make you worry so much when he didn't show any hint of presence everyday
When that person is the one who could make your tears fall instantly when you realize that you feel a tinge of longing feeling
When that person is the one who helps you rediscover the  'butterfly-in-your-stomach' feeling
When that person is the one who made you believe in miracles
When that person is the one who stepped little by little to the picture of your life after you realized his presence when he was at the edge of the frame


And when that person is the one whom you want to curse for taking your heart away and giving it back in crumpled, broken pieces.

It's just painful isn't it??
And i am being such a fool to just realize it now, but not able to do anything with it

I never, ever cried this much, if it is calculated for the period of one month, before. And it is just because of a jerk who made my love unrequited.

I screw up. Big time.

m.a.c.r.o.s :D

yes, i am soooooo not a trendsetter :D



so, i've been in love with macros recently. well, i am not in a good mood nowadays (yes, it's the after-effect of my last post TT__TT), so i browsed some google images of SHINee to make myself feel better (yesss, Choi Minho IS always successful to make me feel better, every time <3)


around several days ago, i put a status on facebook, saying that macros are always successful to crack myself up, then FUFU commented on my status, saying that she loves macros too and posted some of TVXQ's macros on her blog. i suddenly thought that it's a good idea to post some on my blog too XD~



for those who don't know what macro is, well, i'll show you some SHINee and Super Junior's macros (why SHINee and SuJu??? because i love them, d'oh! =D). beware, there will be quite a loooot of pics since i'm about to post 20 pics here XD i actually have this one folder full of SHINee and SuJu macros and it was very hard for me to pick some, so I decided to pick around 20-something (this is the least number that i can go since basically ALL of them are hilarious!) funniest macros and post it here :D



and oh, i already posted some of these pics on twitter, in case some of you follow my twitter too :D



let's start with the first one :D





okay okay Siwon, we GET it :))





Omoooo~ poor Taeminnie! *really, his expression is priceless! :))*





OMG Donghaeee XD make it by yourself!





Naughty Jjong! :))





Teukie.... sorry to say this but you're such a camwhore :D





MINHOOOO~ you can't be any more cuter than thisssss *fainted*





Sung(min) Go Ku :D





Mr. Jonghyun.... toilet is just over there! =))




to be honest.... i like Kyuhyun's pervert face :))





Taemin pleaseeee~ flying hippo in a ballerina skiiirtt?? XD~





you are excused Kangin, no need to put that kind of expression :D





Jonghyun's face really looks.... speechless =))





to be honest Kibum, we don't get it too :))





mpppffff~





i can't help LOL-ing everytime i look at this macro XD~





hahahaha, Key and Jjong looks like a girl and her guy bestfriend :D





Teukieeee~ *facepalm*





seriously, don't mess up with Key and Taemin. They are the gangstaz =))





one word: CUTIE! :D





Jonghyuuun :D don't mess up with your wife! XD





awww~ poor EunHae :D





yessss Minhoooo~ too awesome!!! *brb fainted. again. :D*




last but not least, here is my most favorite macro above all....





MOVE OVER JONAS BROTHERS!!! they are much much more awesome! XD OMG all of my biases from three different groups in the same macro! nyanyaaaaa~



sorry for my sort-of-fangirling attitude. i just can't help it :D


enjoy!

so... this is it

#nowplaying Jung Yong Hwa - Because I Miss You
"Always the exactly same sky and always the same day
Only thing that is different is that you are not here"
hey all,
my blog post this time will be a little personal. i don't know where to write this feeling down besides my own blog because there are too many close friends in facebook and twitter. i know this is not even a private or locked blog, but i also know very well that not a lot of people read this blog, so this is the safest place to write about my feeling right now because actually i don't want too many people to know about this.

especially him.

this guy who has taken my heart and healed me from my breakup.
this guy that i hated at the beginning but then filled my days with joy to the limit that i don't feel any hatred for him anymore.
this guy that i didn't plan to fall in love with.
this guy whom i thought is a carbon copy of me in the terms of thoughts and behaviours.
this guy who is not even handsome nor having killer body to fall for.
this guy whom people think can be as weird as hell.


and the only guy who can make me cry for the whole night just because of missing him.
"I thought I've let you go. Without anything left
No, no. I still haven't been able to let you go"
to be honest, i only cried once because of a guy, it was when i was in high school, and it is pretty much understandable since it was one of those stupid puppy love stages and my hormonal fluctuation drove me like crazy. i have had a lot of crushes since but none of them could make my tears fall even a drop.
even for some guys that i thought i fell for 'seriously' (this post might ring a bell), or even when i had my first breakup, i didn't cry a single tear. at that time, i thought i was too sad to cry. i felt that kind of heavy burden in my chest that needed to be lifted, but i didn't manage to cry any single tear. i tried sooooo many ways to cry, but i never succeeded. the thoughts that passed my mind was 'am i that heartless? or do i love him so much that i can't even cry because of too much sadness?'. but i never managed to find the answers.

and here came this guy.

i was still stuck with my ex at that time. i said to everyone that i was over him, but actually i wasn't. he still came to my dreams. i still stalked him through his facebook profile, and i was hurt when i found out that he's with someone new. but still, i couldn't find any way to lift that heavy burden in my chest. the burden kept increasing and i still haven't found any way to cry any single tear to help remove them out.

and then this guy came with his pointless talks and witty jokes. at first i felt bothered by him, but then i was thinking, ah it won't be harmful for me to have those pointless talks with him, so i just had it a go. since then, i started to find out that we're quite alike. we have the same thoughts, we have the same kind of attitude, but somehow i found some of my missing puzzle pieces in him. he's able to calm me down, he knows how to cheer me up and make my day only by asking me how i was. he gave me attention that i didn't get from my ex when we were in relationship, and he is not even my boyfriend. and that heavy burden that has been bugging me for almost a year was finally removed without me realizing it. i was enjoying my days too much to realize that the heavy burden in my chest had been replaced with happiness.
then i realized that i'm in love with him.

and like usual, i couldn't show him how i feel. i am too afraid to let him know that i love him. i am too afraid of rejections. ah, i guess i don't need to list them all down here since you guys have been very familiar with those reasons, haven't you?

we were really close, like really really close, until all of sudden we were drifted apart by an invisible thick barrier that i cannot get through, until now.
my feeling was so mixed up since then. i kept saying to myself that i am a strong girl. i could get through my first break up easily, so this one should be a clinch. i tried to make myself busy with my assignments, my exams, my final year project, everything to get him out of my mind.
but i just can't.
"Longing for you, I am longing for you. Because I am longing for you, I call you and call you by myself everyday
Missing you, I am missing you. Because I am missing you, now I just call out your name like a habit. Even today"
especially knowing that he's in love with someone else, it just teared me up little by little to accept the truth that everything we had was nothing than a good friendship, or the closest we can get is only a brother-sister relationship. i totally understand if he's leaving me for her since i'm definitely nothing compared to her. she's much prettier, smarter, nicer, basically much better than me, so i cannot blame him for leaving me just like that.

my feeling was really fluctuating since he's gone. at some moments, i was able to accept the reality that he's no longer there for me. he won't be there anymore to calm myself down or cheer me up whenever i have problems. i keep saying to myself that i have to face them all by myself and i have to be independent.

but i have to admit that i miss him so much. SO MUCH that it is even able to make me cry.

yes, i finally cried because of a guy.
i was crying hard too when i was watching Crazy Little Thing Called Love. the story of the movie is just like the story of my life, and the first thought that passed my mind and brought me to tears was - yes, it was him.
and last night was the worst. i listened to this song titled 'Because I Miss You' by Jung Yong Hwa and read the lyric translations. i suddenly felt like something was hitting my chest so hard that i started to tear up a little. i put this song to my 'broken' playlist in my itunes together with other brokenhearted songs that have been bringing me to sleep these months. stupidly, i just clicked the repeat button and here i am, having this song on repeat until now. i cried so hard last night and i only could stop when i fell asleep. i really felt that this is the time when i'm missing him the most. i just want a single, simple, no-fuss 'hi' from him, and i believe that it will make my day better. however, i'm doubting that i will be okay afterwards. what if i'm missing him even more, like what's happening now? i'm missing him like crazy now because of him dropping by to know how i'm doing several days ago, and leaving me since. it's like being in a rollercoaster. you feel the excitement once you're at the top, but then feeling an instant breakdown once you're heading down to earth.

and this is what leaves me confused right now.
"Day by day, I feel like I am dying, so what could I do?"
should i just let him go?

i feel like deleting everything about him from my life. i am not deleting every access of him to get to me, but i'm planning on deleting all of my accesses to him so that i'm not 'tempted' to find out how he is.

and i am even crying while typing this blog post. i can't imagine letting him go from my life. i know he's already out of it, but thinking of totally kicking him out of my life already brings me to tears.

but i know i have to be strong. one of my besties said that 'the one whom you cry for doesn't deserve your tears, because the one who deserves it will never make you cry'.

i don't know whether this guy deserves all these tears, but what i know is i'm tired of feeling this way. i'm tired of waiting for nothing, and i'm tired of hurting myself.

so, i guess i have to let him go.


bye love. i know you won't leave my heart any sooner, but i have to forget you. i know it will be hard for me and there will be more tears coming out starting from now on, but i know that i will be alright.

thank you for cheering me up whenever i had my breakdown.
thank you for calming down whenever i was about to burst out in anger.
thank you for fulfilling my days with laughter.
thank you for giving attention to all the craps that i gave you.
thank you for bearing with me eventhough i could be so harsh to you sometimes.... i did that because i don't want you to know how i feel for you.
thank you for being my living dopamine all this time.
thank you for making me feel special at some moments.
thank you for coming to my dreams and making me smile everytime i woke up.
thank you for being there for me when i needed you.
thank you for understanding me in everything, that even surprised me because i felt like you've known me forever.

and lastly, thank you for letting me being happy in love, once again.

that's all from me. thank you for reading this crappy post. please wish me luck for this :)

"Love you, Love you. I love you. Without even being able to tell you these, I've had to let you go like that
Sorry, I am sorry. Can you hear me? Could you be able to hear my late confession?
I love you."