my weight loss journey

helloooooo!

apparently, this is my first post in 2018, and it took me 6 months++ into the year to get to my first post lmao. i know you won't buy any of my excuses anyway so i am just going to continue straight to the content.

if you ask me around, let's say, 2 years ago whether i would consider doing a weight loss journey, i am sure that i would say that i cannot do it. i love food, i love eating, and i won't give it up for anything lmao. i also happen to have GERD which basically means that i have to have my tummy filled at all times. i think i can safely say that i don't know how it feels to be skinny for my whole life. well, there was one time that i reached my ideal BMI during the first few months when i entered university because i was homesick, but that was it. my weight then gained slowly and steadily over the years as i became able to adapt with my new life far from home.

i gotta say that my life during university, both being undergraduate and master student, somehow still enabled me to live (a little bit) healthily since i did not have any means of transportation back then, so i had to walk and ride public transportations all the time. i did eat a lot, like A LOT, back then, with snacking here and there, but i think i did not have any major weight gain because of those little workouts in the form of walking and running. i also did not really have regular three-times-a-day kind of meals since i was so, so busy with my university works which kind of helped in preventing my weight gain, although my weight was still like far above my ideal BMI. however, once i started working, my life dynamic kind of changed. i started driving everywhere, and i would be just working in front of my laptop, sitting down in my cubicle when i don't have any class to teach. i did not really weigh myself back then, but everyone could see that i gained a tremendous amount of weight compared to when i just started working. and even with that obvious weight gain, i did not even think to really try starting a weight loss journey. i did some small workouts at home, for maybe around 10-15 minutes, and i cooked my own food for the sake of being a little healthier, but we all know that 15 minutes of workout a day is definitely not enough, and although i cooked my own food, i still packed a huge amount to be considered as 'portion control' so that effort definitely did not count.

however, i suddenly got the urge to really, really work on losing some weight somewhere in august 2017. i remembered at that time i was wearing my favorite baju kurung, which is a traditional Malay clothing, and also happens to be the one that will make me look slimmer due to its cutting. i took a picture with my colleagues while wearing that baju kurung, and i was so, so shocked that i could clearly see my tummy imprinted at the front part of my baju kurung. that was when i totally realized that, okay, this has gotten out of hands, i really have to lose weight for the sake of my health. so, that started my weight loss journey.

just like everyone's weight loss journey, it is NEVER easy. one major reason why i never made it to any weight loss journey was because i was not willing to give up any of my favorite foods, and i was so used to having big portions of meals. i was also easily tired due to my usual diet and my weight back then. i tried eliminating fat completely, i tried eliminating simple carbs as well, but it never worked. so, after trying so many types of diets and workouts, i am now able to conclude:

1. EVERY BODY TYPE HAS DIFFERENT REACTIONS TOWARDS ANY DIET. for me, i have to say that i cannot eliminate any macronutrient from my diet, so i have to have them in balanced amount, meaning that i have to have carbs (including fiber), fat, and protein in every meal that i have throughout the day, or i won't be able to function. therefore, i can say that keto diet, atkins diet etc where you have to have one or more macronutrients to be eliminated or superior than the others definitely won't work for me.

2. PORTION DOES NOT MATTER, WHAT MATTERS IS THE CALORIE COUNT. i used to think that i did not eat much when i ate 5 pieces of biscuits and i would think of them as my snacks. however, once i did the calorie count, i realized that the calories in those biscuits can be more than one full rice meal. this is why i rely on calorie counting app like MyFitnessPal. i might not get the accurate value of my calorie count throughout the day, but at least i can think twice before reaching that second piece of cookie. but please, please, don't turn into calorie counting monster. i used to do that for around one month and i became so stressed out, so now i still use the app but i am taking it more easily.

3. FIND THE RIGHT WORKOUT FOR YOU. what i mean as the right workout is the one that can last with you for a long time and you won't be bored of it easily. this is really important for me because i get bored really easily with the kind of workouts that people usually do in gyms like treadmill, weight lifting etc. this is the main reason why i chose kpop dance fitness/zumba. i happen to like kpop, and i can just simply change the songs every day, so boredom won't be the reason for me to skip my workout. for my weight loss journey, i do workout every day without fail, including weekends, for 30 minutes. this is because i read in an article that unless it is a HIIT workout, any workout has to be conducted for more than 30 minutes to work. if you enjoy the workout, you definitely won't feel that it something hard to do, which is why you have to find the right workout for you.

so how is the result of my weight loss journey then?
unfortunately, i did not take any before and after picture (because i did not even think that i would last this long and i even thought that i would give up halfway lmao), but i have lost a total of 16 kilograms so far and a lot of people can see that i have lost a lot of weight :) i also feel more energized, i don't get tired easily, my blood pressure is stabilized, i don't yawn all the time, my skin complexion is waaaaay better (less pimples woohoo!) without having to have complicated skincare regime (trust me, i only stick to hada labo face lotion and moisturizer with uv protection, that's it and that's all!), and my immune system has become better as well.

i know it was not a fast weight loss journey, but what i like from this journey is that I DO NOT HAVE TO STARVE, I DO NOT HAVE TO SUFFER, and I HAVE A SUSTAINABLE WEIGHT LOSS, meaning that i do not easily gain the weight back. trust me, i have those days when i can finish a tub of cheesecake ice cream or an entire box of brownies just because i feel stressed. i also went back to my hometown for three weeks in total during this journey, and when i go back to my hometown, i always say "screw my diet, i eat everything i want" XD but surprisingly, i did not gain weight at all, but i also did not lose any weight which is understandable.

so here i am going to share an example of what i eat during weekdays and weekends, as well as a list of kpop dance videos that i do for 30 mins in a day.

MY WEEKDAY DIET

i have to go to my office really, really early in the morning, so i have to do meal prepping in advance. i always have my breakfast and lunch at the office, and sometimes dinner if i have to go back late.
i am a kind of person who does "breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" since i do most of my works and classes in the morning, so that is when i need my energy the most. for breakfast, i usually have a cup of hot green tea when i reach the office, then i continue with my vegetable stir fry.

for the veggies, i gotta be honest, i am not a huge fan of veggies and fruits, so i only have these three types of veggies in my meals: broccoli, carrot, or french bean. however, i usually play around with the carbs and the sauce that i use for the stir-fry. for the carbs, i would either use noodles, couscous, potatoes, or sweet potatoes, tho i never have rice so far. for the sauce, my favorite is oyster sauce, but i can easily change it with thai garlic chili sauce, plum sauce, teriyaki sauce, curry, whatever sauce is available.

meanwhile, for lunch, i usually eat overnight oats.

my overnight oats is pretty simple: oats, soymilk, chia seeds, and date concentrate. that's it. if i happen to buy banana on the weekend, then i would add it to my overnight oats, but it is not something often though.


lastly, my dinner is the simplest of all: tofu omelette with apples.

ps: yes i like my omellette a bit burnt on the edges XD i swear the burnt parts were intentional!

that's it! surprisingly, i have been having this kind of meals for months during weekdays but i still don't get bored of them :) and you can also see that all of my meals during the weekdays are vegetarian, but you can definitely add chicken breast or some fish into the meals if you want.

MY WEEKEND DIET

meanwhile, on weekends, the meals that i eat would be different from what i usually eat during weekdays since i have more time to experiment on my cooking. if i only spend my time at home (meaning that i don't have to go everywhere), i usually would only eat twice a day. i would only have a very simple brunch like toast with natural, sugarless peanut butter and toast with low fat cheese and egg as pictured below

and since i would only eat this meal around 12pm - 1 pm, i won't feel hungry until around 6 pm -7 pm, so this is the time when i would have the big meal that i experiment on.

one example is fried rice with fishballs, tons of veggies (french bean, carrot, enoki mushroom) and egg. for the sauce, i kept this simple with soy sauce, oyster sauce (yes, agaaaaain XD) and pepper.

(pssssst, yes this may look like loads, but do you know that this is less than 600 kcal? simply because i removed any means of meat from this meal ^^)

another meal that i just experimented on today was red rice cooked in chicken stock, with stir-fry containing french bean, carrot, oyster mushroom, silken tofu, oriental bbq sauce, soy sauce and pepper. again, this may look a lot, but this is only around 500 kcal :)

then, since i already have a huge meal, i won't eat dinner, or i would only eat fruits (banana and apples are like my only favorites XD)

then i add some low fat chocolate milk because protein+fiber is known to be more fulfilling to the body.

sooooo basically those are what i eat for around a week! very simple meals, but i happen to love them a lot, and i don't get tired of them easily.

MY KPOP FITNESS WORKOUTS

like what i mentioned earlier, i usually do my workout by having kpop fitness workout/zumba for 30 minutes, which consists of 6-minute cardio warm up + approximately 6 songs. i always change my playlist everyday so that i don't get bored.

the 6-minute cardio warm up video that i use is always the same every day:

after the warm up, i would continue with 2 high-intensity, then 2 medium-intensity, and 2 low-intensity kpop fitness workouts.

high-intensity kpop fitness workout examples:

medium-intensity workout examples:

low intensity workout examples:

lastly, for those who want to start a weight loss journey, my concluding words are "don't make 'weight loss' as your target". yesss, i know you want to lose some weight, but if you put weight loss as your target, you may get demotivated once you realize that the number on your scale does not even shift at all. what i did was i made 'healthier life' as my target. i want to have stable blood pressure, and i don't want to get tired easily, so weight loss is actually just a bonus. it is all about mindset actually, just take it easy :)

that's all from me, and see you when i see you :D

me, (grief, empathy, acceptance,) and kim jonghyun

hi everyone!
wow i haven't posted anything in.... 3 years?? i guess i have to apologize for my long, long absence. no worries, i am still alive and breathing, but i am just too busy with my work and all those cliche reasons. you know already so i won't say anything further about this haha.

at first, by the time i became very busy with my job, i just wanted to have this blog as a place for me to store all important memories, which means that i won't post here regularly, but i would still come back here everytime there is any event that i want to keep remembering since i still read posts from this blog from time to time.

including now.

i guess some of you who had been following me since some time ago know already about how SHINee is my ultimate kpop group. and i have been stanning this group for 7 years.

let me tell you how it started.

2009-2010 was actually the time when i was really into rock music like paramore's and all that, so i did not expect myself to even listen to kpop, at all. surprisingly, SHINee was not the one who brought me into kpop. it was actually super junior.
it all started when super junior came to malaysia for a concert. at that time, super junior was the hit with sorry sorry, but to be very honest, i did not even know that sorry sorry was actually THEIR song. stupid me even thought that sorry sorry was a japanese song lmao. so, it was all started from my curiosity on super junior, that i went through every super junior video in SMent youtube channel. no, it was not even SMTOWN back then. i was such an ancient kpop fan i know :))
and i am pretty sure you all know how youtube works right? everytime you watch a video, there would be suggestions on the right side of the screen, aaaaaand yes that was the golden moment when i found SHINee.

through a song named 'ring ding dong'.

i mean who won't be curious when you know zero about kpop, you listen to rock music like paramore and my chemical romance and simple plan and all that, with their punk rock emo songs some more, then you come across a song titled RING DING DONG????
of course i clicked it right away.

and damn what a catchy song they have there. that song got me hooked there and then.

to be very very honest, i was so interested in taemin in that video i can even safely say that was attraction at the first sight lmao. in my defense, he didn't look babyish at all in ring ding dong, unlike him in other SHINee mvs at that time. that was before i realized that he was actually born in 1993 and i thought that wooop nope too much of a baby for me, so i directed my attraction towards minho instead XD.

however, even after listening to highly addictive ring ding dong, i didn't become a shawol yet. for fellow shawols, the history of me becoming a shawol might be familiar for them as some of them might went through similar path with mine. sooo after watching ring ding dong, i started digging around the very same channel to watch other SHINee videos, such as lucifer, replay and all that. after that, i tweeted "SHINee's songs are kind of awesome i might become a fan" something along the line, and one of my mutuals suggested me to watch Hello Baby.

and the rest is history.

seriously, now who wouldn't fall for them when five boys who hadn't even reached 20 yet at that time, had to take care of a 4-year old toddler, with no experience in taking care of any baby ever since all of them are either the only child or the youngest child, and they really did their best to take care of the kid with TLC and beyond?? the premise itself was so interesting. honestly, i finally fell for minho because of how he took care of the kid throughout the show, like, dude, i can really see you being an awesome father although you were only 18 years old at that time.

sooo starting from there, i finally became a shawol. then somehow i managed to watch every variety show, every interview, listen to every album they released, everything about them. it wasn't hard to fall for them because all five of them are super talented (i challenge you to sing their song 'everybody' live, complete with the full choreography. seriously, only SHINee can do that flawlessly) to the point that everyone says that "SHINee eats their own CDs" because of how amazing they sound when they sing live, and they are super adorable to boot. my admiration towards these five boys continues until today, and i can safely say that they've been in every step that i took and i take. everytime i feel stressed, i just need to play any video where they become their adorkable selves, and everything is right again. everytime i feel demotivated, i just need to watch or read any interview where they always encourage their fans to do their best, to know that there would always be sunshine after the storm, and i become motivated again. SHINee's songs have always been my first choice as well everytime i feel like i specifically want to listen to this kind of song due to my different moods, and SHINee always has all kind of songs that suit my ever changing moods, every single time.

without even myself realizing, shinee has become a part of my life




which explains why the passing of jonghyun really affected me, a lot.

18 december 2017.
the evening when jonghyun was all over the news, informing that he was found dead.... it wasn't me who directly knew it from the news. it was my sister who gave me the link to it.
i didn't know how, but all of sudden i just... fell on the floor.
my head was still trying to grasp the idea of "jonghyun???? SHINee's jonghyun??? OUR JJONG???"
(to be very honest, my brain still cannot fully grasp that idea even until this very minute, this very second).
the thought that came after was "this is just a joke, right?" because i still cannot believe that something like this would happen to someone who, somehow, has been part of my life for the past seven years.
and it broke me even more knowing that it was him himself who decided to end his life.
to those who think that "how come nobody knows about his depression?" trust me, ALL of us know. jonghyun was very, very open about his depression. he suffered from it to the limit that he had insomnia back then, and that was also one of the reasons why he became the DJ of blue night radio show, since it was held at midnight. after he quitted the show, we thought he was winning his battles against the demons inside of him since he no longer suffered from insomnia, and he looked way healthier.

what we didn't know was he actually wasn't.

for me, starting from that monday night until the whole day of tuesday, it was very, very emotionally exhausting. i really couldn't stop crying. i cried myself to sleep. the worst part was that i couldn't even take leave because, let's get real, which boss is going to accept any leave day due to "devastation over the passing of an idol"? impossible right? and i had to be an invigilator for an exam somemore, so i really had to go to work on that tuesday.
and damn it was so, so hard. i couldn't work at all, and i had to run to the washroom to cry since the waterworks just literally came without warning. i even spent more time in the washroom than in my own cubicle on that day.

some of you might have this in mind: "why were you THAT sad? are you that obsessed with jonghyun?"

not to defend myself, but i am SO not obsessed with any idol, not even minho who is known as my very ultimate bias.

then why was i, or am i (since i AM still), so sad?

i have two reasons for that.
firstly, because i lost someone who has been part of my life for the past 7 years.

like what i mentioned before, SHINee was literally in every step that i took and i take. as i am such a homebody, i spent my free time by watching their shows, concerts, even every drama that the members starred in. i can't live without music, and i happen to love every song that they sang, so it is just natural to have their songs in every playlist that i have, for any kind of mood. and also, being a fan for 7 years, whether you want it or not, you became one who knows all of their stories. same goes to me. i became to know the stories of their families, their habits, their quirks, all thanks to every variety show they were in. as i followed every story, it became MY habit too to know every single stuff that was exposed to the public. honestly, what triggered my tears the most was because i am (still) not ready to not have jonghyun as part of those aforementioned daily stuff anymore. however, it didn't make me put them on a high pedestal, not at all. i still see them as human beings.

and that brings me to the second reason, which is because i emphatize with the people that he left behind.

like what i said before, i have seen every single variety show that shinee was in, and i can see how close they are. their closeness might be scripted during their early days, but you totally can see that as they grew together, they became more comfortable with each other, to the point that they have become brothers. like what onew said, they even see each other more than they see their own family due to the nature of their job, so it became natural for them to be a family along the way.
and as someone who is able to see how close they are, the thought that passed my head very often after jonghyun's passing was "how about his mom? his sister? the remaining SHINee members? if we shawols are already hurt this much, then how about them???" and that was what broke me even further.

back to me, i was quite okay on wednesday. i went to work and worked like usual, i still went to the washroom everytime i wanted to cry, but at least it wasn't as often as it was on tuesday.

then thursday came.
the day of jonghyun's funeral.
for two days before the funeral, i was only wondering how his family, including his SHINee members were doing. after seeing the video and photos of the funeral, my questions were answered. and the answer really, really broke my heart into even smaller pieces, if that's even possible.
being a shawol for seven years, i have never seen them this raw, this broken before.

key was always the emotional one, as he never fails to cry everytime he feels touched in any of their concerts, but this is the kind of emotion, the kind of sadness that i haven't ever seen before. he's always been open with his feelings, so we can clearly see how broken he was.
minho has always been the strong one. he is always the one that any of his brothers runs to everytime they need a hug or any consolation, and he would always be the one with the warm hugs, comforting words and encouraging smile. seeing him crying and not being able to hold back his tears were the reasons behind my tears too on that day.
taemin, our forever baby, our forever maknae, was the one that worried me. he might look stone faced, but somehow i could see the whirlwind of emotions behind that stone face. he was sad, he was angry, he was upset, he was in disbelief, he was devastated, and other emotions that i couldn't decipher. and what worries me the most is that it is very clear that he hadn't let them all out. he might still need time to come to terms with his mixed feelings, but i hope he won't bottle them up inside.

and the one that worried me the most: lee jinki, onew, the leader. it has become a habit for him as the leader to be the one that his brothers come to everytime they have any issue, and he even was willing to stay back to let any of his brothers shine. every member of shinee loves the family so much, and he loves his brothers even more. after seeing his face and his expression, it was very clear that he blamed himself. clearly, it wasn't any of the members' fault, it wasn't anyone's fault since jonghyun decided to end his life due to his disappointment with himself, but as the oldest brother, he might blame himself maybe because he couldn't stop what jonghyun did before it was too late, or maybe because of other unknown reasons, but we can totally see that he devastatingly blamed himself, a lot. and even in that devastated state, he was still able to console and comfort key who was brokenly crying on his shoulder. if onew was the one who comforted his brothers, then who comforted him?

and it was my breaking point.

so i hope now you understand why i was devastated too, why i cried so much for the past one week.


then what about now?

it has become better, i think. for the first three days, i didn't even dare to listen to any music, not even any music from other artists than SHINee because i was afraid that it would trigger my tears. at least now i can even listen to jonghyun's solo songs again.
however, the tears still come in the form of bursts of emotion. i was fine, laughing even, then all of sudden i would cry because i came to realization that i won't be able to see SHINee as five anymore. i am now able to see SHINee's pictures as five and smile, but it gives me a bittersweet feeling and a small hollowness behind.

it would never be the same, definitely. it would take time for me and other shawols to be fully healed, to come to terms and acceptance. it needs process, and it won't be a fast one. losing is something that one would experience, but it just came to us too fast and we were not ready for it.

time would heal. whether it is going to be a short or a long process, i am going to cherish every second of it as part of growing up.

i will miss him so much, for sure, but that way at least i know that i won't forget him that easily.

rest easy, kim jonghyun. i hope you are able to find your happiness now, wherever you are.

being two (tiny) steps healthier :)

helloooooowwww *waves*
again and again and again, i am such an 'active' blogger, aren't i? *sarcasm intended :P*
sooooo after.... how many months? seven, i guess? okay, so after seven months, i am back with a (quite) useful post, because i am very sure that all of you must have had enough of those angsty-blog-posts-filled-with-eyeroll-inducing-problems that i wrote quite often lately. therefore (oh my god, i can't believe that i am using this word in a casual blog post forgodsake >.<), at this moment, i am going to let you guys know how a very-unlikely-to-be-healthy-me (i should really consider my tendency to write super long, confusing phrases like this, right? :P) finally decided to live two tiny steps healthier ^^v

buuuuuut before i proceed to the main point, i think i need to update a bit about how my life goes lately. so, first of all, i have finally finished my postgraduate studies and i am now an MSc holder! yeahoooo *throws confetti at myself*
the viva voce went for about two hours and i gotta say that i was kinda drained when it was finished because my examiner was veeeeery particular and he went for the questions and corrections page by page >.< but trust me, although i was really exhausted, it felt soooooo good to know that all my blood, sweat, and tears were now in a form of a completed thesis, a published journal article, an accepted proceeding and (soon) a piece of certificate stating that now i can add MSc behing my BSc title. sweet :)
i am currently trying to find a job so pleaseeeee cross extra fingers for me? *huge grin*

okay, i guess that's enough for a quick update. so, without further ado, let's gooooo to the first step!

1. reducing instant noodles intake
all of my close friends and family know very well that i am addicted to instant noodles, and it only got worse since i lived far from my family. until around three months ago, i usually had instant noodles as my lunch or dinner at least three times a week, while it is actually advisable to give a three-day-gap after each consumption to (well, they say) eliminate the ugly chemicals in them from our body.

this bad habit lasted until one day i said to my housemates that my hairfall got much worse. in case you don't know, i have very fine textured hair and i don't even have thick hair to begin with, so i think it is normal for me to be worried about hairfall because, hello, being a bald woman doesn't sound very appealing to me. my housemates said that i probably need to reduce my instant noodles intake since, like what my sister said, instant noodles have even more rumours (about its health-deteriorating properties) than celebrities do XD

trust me, it was reaaaaally difficult to stop having instant noodles as my staple meals because i personally love instant noodles, not just because of its convenience but also their varieties and flavors. i am aaaaalwways curious everytime there is new variant of instant noodles being launched and i would end up buying their pack-of-five and finishing them in two weeks. this is a habit that i am still struggling to eliminate completely from my life until now (hey, i am a food scientist, i have all the rights to be curious of new food products! *evil grin*), but at least i am trying to reduce it to only one pack per month. so far everything went well like how i planned, thanks to my healthier version of instant noodles that i invented by myself :) now now, aren't you curious? *grin*

soooooo i made this as simple, as tasty, but healthier version of fried instant noodles that is MSG free, oil free, and, therefore, less fat! i basically need to always have air-dried noodles, non-MSG oyster sauce, non-MSG maggi seasoning, soy sauce, and ground pepper in my kitchen cabinet, and i am all set. i boil the noodles like instructed in the packet and while i wait for the noodles to be cooked, i mix oyster sauce, maggi seasoning, soy sauce, and ground pepper in a bowl. you can add some bottled chilli sauce too if you want some kick :) i don't use salt because oyster sauce and maggi seasoning give enough saltiness for me, but you're always welcome to add more salt, just make sure that you won't overadding it :) after the noodles are nice and firm, i drain them from the water and mix them with the concoction in the bowl that i make earlier. that's it, the noodles are ready to eat! isn't that reaaaaally simple? i bet even a kindergarten kid can prepare this meal by themselves! this healthier 'fried' noodles tastes awesome, even my housemate loves it! you definitely can try this at home too :)

although i don't know whether the rumours are true or not, i found that my hairfall became much less after i stopped my addiction to instant noodles. well, i still consume it like once in a month, but it is still very normal, i think. i just think of it like having cheat day just like those people who are on diet ;)



2. two mugs of green tea a day
i just started this habit very recently, like around three days ago? so i cannot tell how it works on me yet. the reason why i started this habit was because of the dark circles under my eyes. i can imagine some of you frowning already, thinking why don't i get enough sleep instead if i want to eliminate my dark circles? well, truthfully, i don't really think that i am lack of sleep since i always have at least six hours of sleep a day and trust me, i had even less sleep back in the day and i didn't even turn into a panda.

sooooo i googled and googled and googled and i found that there are actually a lot more causes of dark circles besides lack of sleep, such as genetics and even eye wrinkles. the cause which was the reason why i started this routine was that it might be a sign for a need of detoxification because the liver has been working too hard already. i was a little freaked out reading this because, well, i have to admit that although i have the out-of-ordinary body size, i am actually a picky eater. i am not a fan of fruits and vegetables, but i am a fan of anything fried and sometimes overly sweet. i was thinking of the simplest and easiest way to have my detox without sacrificing my tastebuds, and i directly think of green tea.

i don't like regular, commonly consumed black tea, even after it is sweetened, but surprisingly i can accept green tea although it is unsweetened, in all its bitterness glory. must be the aroma, hmm?
so i finally decided to buy a box of green tea bags, simmer one bag of it every morning before my breakfast and keep the bag in the fridge to have another simmer at night before i sleep. i enjoy this routine so far and i will probably update you again on how it affects my dark circles or maybe my metabolism :)

well, for a food scientist, minoring in functional food somemore, it is probably a shame that i don't practice my knowledge in my own daily life. these two were just tiny beginning steps of a lot more to come, hopefully :)

that's all from me now guys. see y'all later alligator! ^^v

a sack of insecurities

hello :)
wow, two posts in a month! i made a good progress didn't i? *smile*

as time goes by, i start to think that my posts are getting more and more depressive each day, aren't they? i don't mean to, really. but then again, like what i have told you before (somewhere in a previous post that i forget, teehee~), i treat this blog as my dumpster of feelings. i know it's not a good thing to feel sad over small stuff, or overthink things, but writing about those things help me feel myself at ease, so it's okay right? *grin*

this time around, i feel like writing about my insecurities. like what the title says, i am a sack of insecurities, really, whether it's about my weight, my face, my hair, my awkwardness, my tomboyish attitude, everything. i am so not confident about myself.

it's not like i am not grateful of what i have. i am very grateful for everything i have had so far, because i know there are a lot of people who are more unfortunate than me in all aspects. however, i think at some point, it is possible for people to feel insecure over themselves, especially if they're surrounded with amazing people.

like what happens to me.

since i was little, i already have problems with my own self-confidence, to the limit that my parents enrolled me into a modelling school (nope, i don't have any trace of proof in me that i had enrolled in a modelling school now. i can't even walk straight in heels XD) to raise my confidence. however, i stopped halfway because, well, i know that modelling is not for me, especially when i was surrounded by skinny and pretty girls, while i was just so plumpy and ordinary. after that, i tried dancing. my parents registered me to a traditional dancing course, but, as expected, i also stopped halfway because my body is as flexible as a wooden stick. when i was in elementary school, i was selected to be in the school choir. i was so happy because oh my god i finally had some talent in me that i might not realize! but then, that little increase of confidence had to be crushed down again when my voice finally cracked as puberty came and it isn't even better than a frog's croak now.

this is the main reason why i have become someone who tries hard with my academics, because i have realized that if i don't study hard and make good scores, i am actually nothing. i don't say that i am ugly, but i have just a common, ordinary face, and all of my friends are pretty so i can't stand out (i even start to think that only my girl friends find me pretty because they're the only ones who say it to me :P). i am not obese, but my BMI has passed the 'normal' line and i am surrounded by slender or fit-bodied girls. i don't have any natural talent in music or art, and anyone i know has at least one natural talent like good voice or things like that. i am not really good in communicating with people, while my friends have many more friends out of our circle. all of my friends have experienced how it feels to be confessed by guys, or to be liked liked by them, while i don't have such experience. as expected, these things just make my low self-esteem becomes even lower.

aaaand if you think that the result of me studying hard has given me the honorable position as the cream of the crop, sorry to break the news but you're mistaken. i still have to be surrounded by geniuses who don't even need to study but they get better scores than me.

after reading this post, you probably think that i am someone who's actually pretty and smart and talented and looking for attention or compliment by saying such thing. there might be a lot of people who act like that out there, but it's not me. this is not the way i seek for attention. when i say that i am not pretty, i mean it. i mean that i am not pretty. when people say i am smart and i deny it, i sincerely deny it, unlike those people who says "ah no i am not smart", waving these compliments off, while in their heads they actually say "oh well, i know i am smart". no matter how you try to compliment me, it won't go through my head because i know there are more people out there who deserve those compliments more than me.

this might be my biggest issue right now, because i am definitely not in peace with myself. if i am not even in peace with myself, then how am i able to love myself?

i need to figure this out. soon.

see ya.

being 24 :)

yellow everyone *insert the most unenthusiastic face you can imagine here*

omg april 8th is less than 6 hours from now and, well.... to be honest, i still can't believe that i am going to be 25. if you ask me, let's say, 5 years ago, i would see my-25-year-old-self as someone who's mature, ready to get married (or maybe already married? since 25 was my age-of-marriage target hahaha), and having a steady job at hand with a good pay since it would have been at least 3 years after i graduated. however, well, looking at myself now who is going to be 25 in a few hours, i don't see myself like how i pictured myself going to be, at all *sigh* definitely not going like what i planned huh? i guess i can start by trying to be mature, at least *grin*

i didn't make any post last year about being 23 because, i know that you can guess already, the life of 23-year-old-me had been so dull that i didn't even know what to recap about it. it doesn't mean that my life has drastically become so interesting now, but i know that i have some highlights that i can write here.... i guess? *another grin*

soooo the most definite highlight was, of course, attending super junior super show 5. i didn't expect super junior to come to malaysia at first since they skipped malaysia during super show 4, and thank God my saving was enough to buy one decent-seated ticket for me and sponsor half of my sister's ticket. this was the second time for me to attend a music concert, and everything was a completely different experience from the paramore concert i attended 2 years ago, from standing for 4 hours only to get the tickets until all the tremendous feelings i got after the concert was finished. it was a dream came true for me too since i couldn't recall how many times i had been chanting "i have to watch super show... i have to watch super show..." everytime i watch their previous super shows on dvd. now i only have one more dream kpop concert that i can't miss for my dear life: the shinee world concert *grin*

another highlight of being 24 was the vacation that i had back in january with my besties (zhaf, safura, and hamidah) to jogjakarta. i know that jogjakarta is my hometown and i didn't leave that town until i was eighteen, but it was surprising to know that i actually had missed some interesting parts of my town all this time, and i had to be a tourist guide for my besties first to know about that :D i had visited some places like kraton, borobudur temple, prambanan temple, or kotagede at least once in my life. heck, i even visited malioboro countless times. however, it was the very first time for me to watch ramayana theatre play, and, i don't mean to boast about my hometown, but this play is so awesome. i thought i wouldn't be able to enjoy the play since there was minimal dialogue and the narration was in javanese (i've been a javanese-born-in-java, yes, but don't expect me to understand javanese totally. please don't forget that i am half sumatranese :D), but i enjoyed the play so much and i understood everything. i don't even mind to watch it again :) another first-time-in-my-hometown that i experienced was the kaliurang offroad tour because omg i am definitely not an offroad person and this explains why i was screaming more often than my friends in the jeep :P but i enjoyed it nonetheless! it was fun in adrenaline-pumping kind of way and it was definitely a whole new experience for me :D in conclusion, i know my hometown better because of this trip, and i love it even more now :)

next, i moved house since last october. i still stay with the same housemates though (because to be honest, i don't want to separate from these people who have completely understood me inside and out :D). eventhough the rooms are a little smaller with more expensive rent, the house is completely new (we were the honored very first tenants, yeay!), the facilities are better, and the house is much closer to the university, so it's pretty worth it. i definitely won't forget the nervewrecking feeling we instantly got when our former landlord asked us to leave his house because his son was about to stay there in three months time, and the slight anxiety we felt throughout the time when we were trying to find an available house to rent because, believe me, finding a house to rent near university is very, VERY difficult. we were really lucky to be able to find the house that we're living now, knowing that we only did a lucky guess when we passed this house and seeing that this house was empty. the moving process itself was another exhausting moment because omg, every little thing owned by four female students, including other things from previous occupants that we used, is actually not that little. the lorry needed to make two trips to move the big stuffs, and we moved the smaller things by car, which took i-didn't-even-care-to-count-how-many trips because there were a lot. i hope i can stay here as long as possible throughout my study period in upm because, really, i am not that keen on all the exhaustion i have to go through during moving houses :P

aaaaaand lastly, i can now proudly say that i no longer have feelings for the guy that i fell for the past three years hehehehe. those who managed to read some of my posts during the period of three years back might know the ups and downs that i had to go through because of this one guy. it was one hell of a journey to erase everything that i felt for this guy that i am definitely not willing to go through again. it was pretty much traumatizing to fall in love and have my heart broken with all the 'rollercoasting' and overwhelming emotions that i experienced back then. surprisingly, it doesn't take anyone else for me to forget my feelings for him, meaning that for the very first time in my life, i am not having feelings for anyone right now hahahaha (i don't even know whether this should be something that i can be proud of or not :P). well, i might have some crushes like, hmmm this guy is good looking, that guy is admirable, this guy is decent, but that's it and that's all, i don't have any feelings for them so far. however, i think i am pretty content with how my life goes right now. it might be a little bit boring because, honestly, i miss having butterflies in my stomach (yup i know, those butterflies that i dreaded so much back then hahahaha) but i guess i just need to lay back a bit and enjoy my life as much as possible, as i am pretty sure that God wants to show me how happy i can be without having to have someone to fall for. i am too tired of falling without anyone catching me anyways :P

well, i know that those highlights are maybe not that worthy enough to be called as, yeah, highlights, but at least i can say that being 24 brought me more insteresting stories than being 23 :D last but not least, i wish for health, success, wealth, and happiness for this new age, and the highlight of my wish would, still, be graduating as a master holder this year. wish me good things too, please? hehehehe, thank you in advance!


see you when i see you!

the way i was raised

hellooooooo 2014! :D

i knowwwww i know i know i broke my promise for being a good blogger. for the millionth time. i know *sobs* forgive me? *puppy eyes*

anywayysss, happy 2014! did you guys manage to fulfill your 2013 resolutions? well, i didn't *grin*
one of those resolutions was 'being more feminine' (which has become my resolution every year that i always, always, ALWAYS manage to fail *sigh*). as usual, my sunday morning is always spent rolling on my bed while (over)thinking about a lot of things, and this morning i was suddenly curious why it is soooooooo difficult for me to be more feminine. i mean, i am pretty much a very straight girl (although i have a massive girl crush on f(x) Amber but, well, that is an entirely different case) and isn't being interested in makeups and fashion supposed to be natural like it's already implemented in every girl's brain or somewhere in their bodies?

but then, i remember how i was raised when i was little.

my parents were pretty much total contradiction from me and my sister when they were young. my mom was a very fashionable young lady, with a lot of friends and numerous hangout sessions with different cliques every weekend. same thing applied for my dad, and it can be easily seen from how sociable he is even now. however, they said that school wasn't much their priorities, and they had to struggle to survive 12 years of school + more or less 6 years of university. this fact made them come into one agreement: their children have to be better than them in terms of academic life.

i can safely say that since i was little, the toys that my parents bought me were either educational toys, or plushies. even those plushies were mostly characters from storybooks that they bought me. yes, another major expenses during my childhood went to books. i was very, very, VERY interested in books, of all kinds, especially because i was able to read and understand full sentences since i was three, the age when most of the kids in my kindergarten only started to know alphabets, so my parents got overexcited and overloaded me with a lot of books :P my parents once told me and my sister, "you have to save your money for other things, but you are allowed to splurge on books." they never bought us or introduced us to game consoles like nintendo or sega, and i only managed to know them when i was in primary school since my youngest uncle bought it for himself. i guess this is the sole reason why i am not really interested in those kind of games, even until now.

another thing that my parents really emphasized in their agreement was that their kids have to be able to be fluent in english, especially since they are not able to grasp this language that well. both of us were enrolled in private kindergarten where english was taught as one of the subjects. when i entered primary school, english was not one of the basic subjects until we were in grade 3 or 4, so my parents registered us in english courses to ensure that we were always familiar with english. when i was in upper grades of my primary school, my parents 'upgraded the game' by only allowing me to buy books if they are in english, so i had to buy my harry potter series or other novels in english, and i was only able to read indonesian teenlits or chicklits by borrowing it from my friends. i was introduced to boyzone since as early as fifth grade of primary school, and i was only allowed to watch english-spoken movies or cartoons in the cinema if i wanted them to pay the tickets for me (so if i wanted to watch indonesian movies, i had to pay it by myself from my own saving, at the same time teaching me that if i really want to get something, i have to struggle for it).

makeups and fashion are also other things that my dad (nope, not my mom) is not really keen on to be related to his two daughters. we were always dressed in pants or shorts since we were little because my dad was afraid that we would be having..... uhmm..... flatulence (no, i'm totally not kidding here) since skirts have 'bigger hole' than pants which allows extra air to seep in (omg noooo i don't need to be reminded how ridiculous the reason is). this fact itself definitely explains why i am never comfortable wearing skirts, until now. for makeups, i am pretty sure it was because my dad had successfully 'brainwashed' both of us with the idea of women who paid more-than-necessary attention to their fashion or makeups will never be successful, like by simply telling us a story about his friends' daughters who always look pretty, fashionable and stuff, but never managed to get enrolled in government schools because their final examination results were unsatisfactory, troubling their parents by having them to pay extra extra tuition fees. getting 'brainwashed' like this a lot of times, especially since early age, made me completely ignorant to those beauty-related stuff. everytime i have extra money on my own, i'd rather spend it on books, computer-related stuff, or gadgets (because i just realized that i always bought my laptops with my own money, and i spent my first salaries by buying new laptop, new external harddisk and new cellphone, instead of makeups or skincare kit or new clothes :P). besides, i was too busy to study (and to be a hermit :P), even taking extra tuition sessions outside of school at times when students don't usually prefer to take (like 1st or 2nd grade of middle and high school, because they prefer to take those sessions during their final years), to maintain my scores and all to care about these things anyway :P

in conclusion, i am who i am right now because of the way i was raised. i don't blame my parents, not at all. i am so grateful for having such caring, attentive parents who care a lot about our future. although they emphasize the importance of education at all times, they never pressure us to be the 'cream of the crop', but they always remind us to do our best and never stop trying. i can never be even luckier than how i am right now to have parents like them, really.

soooooo, i think i can understand now why it is very difficult for me to be interested in such things. my friends in the lab are starting to be more interested in talking about shopping and fashion and makeup and all those girly stuff, and they're no longer interested in movies or music or stuff that we used to talk about. yeah, it is enough to make me feel alienated because no matter how hard i try, i am never interested in such things. besides, i think my parents will not be happy if i spend their money on such things, right? :P

the problem is, what am i supposed to do to 'synchronize' our 'wavelength' when it doesn't match?? *sigh*

like usual, thanks for reading my useless rants. ciao.

2013 recommendations + 2014 resolutions :)

finally! the last post of 2013! ^^
well, i cannot say that i wrote a lot this year, but i can confidently say that i wrote more than last year, which is good.... i guess? *grin*
to be honest, i am already out of ideas on what to write to -so called- celebrate the end of 2013. i had written 'best of the bests' post before, but since i didn't have much 'best of the bests' last year, i decided to write my new year resolutions in a form of 'letter to the past and future me'.

so, genius me decided to combine both in a post this year. muhohohohoho.

however, i didn't use the term 'best of the bests' this time, because i think i haven't watched many movies, read many books, or whatever to call this as the best, but i can use the term 'recommendations' i guess... rite? RITE??

okay, before everything gets weirder, i better start now, ne??

WARNING: you guys know that i'm so into kpop right? so you better understand that most recommendations are going to be kpop-related, or else you can stop here if you are not really into kpop recommendations ^^

recommended movie

Miracle in Cell No. 7

i think i already have enough share of movies this year, regardless of the language and genre. i just watched this movie yesterday, and this movie really takes the cake. i can even say that this is my second most favorite movie because nothing is able to defeat Armaggeddon as my all time favorite movie, yet. this movie successfully made me heave and cry to the limit that i couldn't breathe. i am such a sucker for family and friendship movies, and this movie catered both of my needs. seriously, before watching this, make sure to prepare a box of tissues next to you, no matter how heartless you are, because i'm sure that you'll -at least- shed a single tear during the movie.

recommended series

Shut Up Flower Boy Band

i am so sorry that i just put korean series into consideration for this recommendation. i really don't have enough patience to wait for 5 or 6 more seasons before finishing any hollywood series :P i am actually torn between choosing this or School 2013 as the most recommended series, but then i decided to pick SUFBB after much much MUCH thought. i know there are more famous korean series out there *coughTheHeirscough* but i love this even more. this is definitely not your typical series, because you'll get enough brotherhood and love stories, with a pinch of family issues here and there. this series also have perfect dose of humour, fluff, and angst, IMHO. however, what i love the most about this series is the ending. i'm pretty confident to say that SUFBB got the most realistic ending, with the closure that you may not get in other series. definitely recommended :)

recommended animated movie

Rise of The Guardians

because jack frost is the most handsome cartoon character ever. enough said.

naaaaah i'm just kidding :D  that is definitely one of the reasons. but you still need to watch this because, well, where else can you get all of the legendary childhood story characters in one movie? a good storyline is just a bonus after all :)

recommended ballad track

SHINee - Selene 6.23

i really understand if you say that i am biased since shinee is like my ultimate favorite kpop group. however, you should listen to this song and read the english translation to understand why i recommend this song. this song is most probably the most underrated title song from shinee, but this is my most favorite ballad from them. another reason why i love this song is the way how onew and taemin's voice blend beautifully at minute 2:23 *cries a river*

recommended upbeat track

Infinite - Request

what i love about this song is actually its simplicity. being a nice mood-lifting song does not need complicated tunes, and this song just proves it. the beat is just nice to make you smile and tap your fingers on the table a little bit, but it is always successful to make me feel better. the fact that the members are the ones who wrote and composed this song (sunggyu and woohyun), created the choreography (hoya and dongwoo), even designed the album cover (L, sungyeol, sungjong) made this song even better in my eyes (or ears? no idea hehehe). unfortunately, this song was not promoted in music shows or even sung in concerts because this is just a promotional song for Samsung. i want to hear more of this song live, actually :(

recommended MV

Lee Seungchul - My Love

some of you might not know this song (really, what is it with me and underrated songs?) or maybe just found out about this song during SBS Gayo Daejun (because Onew-Woohyun-Hyunseung-Sandeul sang the remix of it and OMG I GOTTA SAY THAT I WAS REALLY OVERWHELMED BCS THIS IS MY MOST FAVORITE SONG FROM LEE SEUNGCHUL AND ONEW MY HONORABLE BIAS SANG THE REMIX OF IT ok nevermind pls understand my emotional outburst just now), but you really have to take a look at the MV. the mv is just simple, it is actually a footage video of how a guy proposes to his girlfriend, but you gotta see the way he proposed because OMG how rich are you to have that kind of proposal really??? the proposal is really sweet and moving and god you really just need to watch it!

recommended site

tumblr

i started to know tumblr and became addicted to it during this year, to the limit that i abandon my facebook now. some people say that it's complicated to use tumblr, but trust me, even not-tech-savvy-me can enjoy it so much. my most favorite thing about tumblr is because it is easy to find your favorite tumblogs or even posts through hashtags, also because you can reblog the posts that you like, or just simply 'like' it. i love tumblr because of kpop, but you basically can find all the things that you like here, from movies to art. trust me, once you get the hang of it, you'll never want to leave tumblr :P


hmmmm, are these recommendations good enough for you? well, i hope so :D

sooooo let's get going to my new year resolutions, shall we?
first of all, after last year, to be honest, i don't really believe in new year resolutions. for me, if you want to be a better person, you don't have to wait until next year to do so. however, i have two goals that i really want to achieve during 2014:

1. replace rice with oat for lunch at least three times a week (for health purposes, definitely)

and most importantly

2. graduate as master of science.

extra fingers to cross please? hehehe. thank you ^^

soooooo last but not least, happy new year and have an amazing year ahead! ^^